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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24559789">My Secretary</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/penguinberryfest/pseuds/penguinberryfest'>penguinberryfest</a>, <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/UNCONQU3R3D/pseuds/UNCONQU3R3D'>UNCONQU3R3D</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>EXO (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Eventual Happy Ending, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Sex Addiction</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 02:34:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>23,470</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24559789</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/penguinberryfest/pseuds/penguinberryfest, https://archiveofourown.org/users/UNCONQU3R3D/pseuds/UNCONQU3R3D</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>As a sex-addict, Baekhyun has certain rules and regulations that must be followed by his secretary, a quiet and reserved man called Kyungsoo. But the thing with the rules is, they get broken, lines and limitations get blurred.</p><p>Trigger Warnings: Mention of past abuse, graphic content, minor non-con and drug use. Read at your own consideration. </p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Byun Baekhyun/Do Kyungsoo | D.O</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>73</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>140</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Penguin Berry Fest- Round 02 (January- July 2020)</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>My Secretary</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>
  <span class="small"><b>Self-Prompt</b> - As a sex-addict, Baekhyun has certain rules and regulations that must be followed by his secretary, a quiet and reserved man called Kyungsoo. The thing with the rules is, they get broken, lines and limitations get blurred. But when everything falls apart, Baekhyun has to make a decision that goes against everything he is, while the wounds of his past are still sore and bleeding. </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="small"><b>Disclaimer: penguin berry fest does not own exo and/or any characters that are mentioned in the stories.</b> their appearance in these fics do not represent them in real life. authors will be tagged after reveals unless they wish to remain anonymous.</span>
</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I rang for my secretary, after ending the call with the overseas company. It hadn't been nice, and if my team didn't build a good proposal soon, we might lose an important deal. We'd already lost two, and my company's reputation depended on this one.</p><p>
  <span>I jabbed the bell again. What was taking him so long? I glanced at my watch, thirty seconds and his time would be up. I hated when things didn't go as I wanted them to, </span>
  <em>
    <span>when</span>
  </em>
  <span> I wanted them. Or when I wanted </span>
  <em>
    <span>him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Kyungsoo came in with only two seconds to spare and I realized why he'd been late. It was lunch hour for the employees, and by the looks of him, he'd hurried over as soon as he could. There were still crumbs of bread on his lips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sorry for being late," he mumbled, his hand automatically coming in front of him, folded neatly and respectfully. This posture of him, submissive and polite, did things to my domineering nature.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Take off your pants and bend over," I said, picking up the remote to darken all the office windows and turning off the security cameras.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn't question it, and came forward to my side of the desk. He cleared up a space, let his pants drop along with his underwear and bent, presenting himself to me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I wasn't open about my overactive libido, my friends knew but that was it. In fact, I'd hired my secretary precisely so that he'd be there to take care of my sexual needs. Kyungsoo had been doing this since the last three years, and he'd never complained or disappointed me. Yet it surprised me how easily he made me hard without even trying. Like now. He'd done nothing, there was no foreplay between us, and I was already itching for a release.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I'd strictly established rules regarding our little arrangement, and I adhere to them religiously. No kissing, no romance, no oral action. Just me and his ass.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I took out a condom from the drawer and within minutes, I was buried deep inside of him. My head went blissfully blank. It was ridiculous how fucking tight he was, even after three years. You'd think I would be used to him by now, but he made me gasp each time, without even doing anything. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>My secretary had this strange power over me, one I couldn't describe. I was in control of this arrangement, but he made me </span>
  <em>
    <span>need</span>
  </em>
  <span> him. I didn't know what to make of it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I started moving, grabbing his ass, burying my fingers in the plump flesh. In and out, slowly building the rhythm that I knew he liked. I wasn't cruel. It wasn't about my own gratification; I always made sure that he came too. The least I could do was let us both enjoy this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He gasped, almost aloud but he controlled his voice at the last minute. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Good boy,</span>
  </em>
  <span> I thought. “No sound” was another rule of mine. We were doing this in the confines of my office, there was no need to make noise and let everyone know that I was fucking my secretary almost daily.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hunngghhh," Kyungsoo gasped again as I hit that one spot in him. His fingers grabbed the edges of the table, like he was scared he'd fall off. I slowed down, making sure he was catching his breath. And then he whispered, "More, please."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I froze for a second. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This wasn't new. It's been a few months already that Kyungsoo had dared to ask me for more while we fucked. It wasn't against the rules, as long as he said it quietly. It's just that every time he said things like: </span>
  <em>
    <span>more, harder, again...</span>
  </em>
  <span> I went crazy. Like I was falling headlong down a cliff, and I loved the feeling of being absolutely out of control.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Leaning forward so that I was on top of him, I started pounding my cock into him with fervor. He released a loud moan, his butt clenching around me. Clicking my tongue, I put my hand on his mouth, leaning close to whisper in his ear, "No sound, remember? If you make a sound, I'll stop fucking you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then, I don't know what prompted me, but I bit his ear, hard. He bucked under me, and then came. I was so shocked at how impossibly tight he'd gotten that I came too, the pleasure hitting me suddenly, without warning.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>By the time I caught my breath and pulled out of him, Kyungsoo was trembling slightly. His mouth was parted in silent bliss and his expression was completely raw. He rarely showed any expression even when we had sex, so this was also a recent development for me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I could see his ear, it was bright red and my teeth marks were visible. I shouldn't have done that. I never left evidence of our acts on his body, it was against the rules, but I don't know what came over me today. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Is it the upcoming meeting? Am I just overly frustrated today?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>I took off the condom and threw it in the paper bag next to the bin. I'd dispose of it once I went home. I never left evidence in the office.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Get up," I mumbled mildly, still reeling from the climax, "get cleaned and then set up a meeting within an hour with Jongdae's team."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn't say anything as he straightened up and cleaned the table with a tissue. He was still trembling, his pupils blown unusually wide as if he was also suffering from the aftershock of the blissful climax. Going to the ensuite bath, he washed up and came out looking presentable. His ear was still red. He noticed me looking at it, and covered it with his hair. They barely hid the marks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm sorry for that," I said. "Won't happen again if you can stay quiet."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I will," he said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was good at not showing emotions. That was one of the reasons I'd hired him in the first place.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>The deal was coming through and the CEO of the French company had decided to meet me by the end of the month.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kyungsoo was showing me the details, the list of names of other sponsors. I'd called him in for the daily round of fucking before lunch break, but as I watched him explain with care and precision, I realized that I was aroused again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It's been happening a lot lately. No matter how active my libido, having sex with him once a day used to be enough for me. At least it had been for the last two years but these days, having sex with my secretary </span>
  <em>
    <span>once</span>
  </em>
  <span>—it just wasn't working. It seemed like I wasn't satisfied, I needed him more. It honestly terrified me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I was thinking of going to a doctor about this, but at the same time, I was trying to remember if there was anything in Kyungsoo's contract which prohibited me from having sex with him twice in one day. I'd controlled myself well enough for now, knowing that I'd have my chance with him the next day anyway. But I wasn't sure how long I could hold back, when he was being so... </span>
  <em>
    <span>desirable</span>
  </em>
  <span> in front of me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His voice, the one I never allowed him to raise, mesmerized me. Tempted me to just fuck him, screw the rules.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And those lips...</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I blinked as I realized that I'd been staring at his lips.</span>
  <em>
    <span> No kissing—</span>
  </em>
  <span>that was another rule.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What is wrong with me? </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"That's all that I have prepared," Kyungsoo finished speaking, looking at me finally. His eyes twitched as if only realizing that I'd been staring all along. "I'll have more ready before your meeting with them. Should I draw up the names of the team members who will accompany you?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It took effort to be casual while I tried ignoring the urgent need inside of me. I nodded. Whenever I went on business trips, I only took those who were directly involved in the project and Kyungsoo knew that well enough. But something—the same thing which had been making me impulsive and horny over him—prompted me to say, "Add your name in the list, too. I'm taking you with."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kyungsoo looked at me, blinked and then simply said, "Understoodl." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I didn't miss the bare second of shock which crossed his features, before he expertly pulled back his poker face, and I decided that I liked it. I wanted to rile him up, just as he riled me without even realizing it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As soon as he left, I relied on my trusty hand to take care of my erect situation, and cursed whatever illness was making me so needy over him. I had to see a doctor, but before that, I had to see my best friend who was pretty good at guessing whatever went wrong with me. Usually.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So let me get this straight," Chanyeol started, intending the pun because he was straight and I </span>
  <em>
    <span>wasn't.</span>
  </em>
  <span> "Your sex drive has increased somehow and you want to fuck your secretary more than usual and you even considered breaking most of your rules?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I nodded, taking a sip of the champagne and sighing. We were at his girlfriend's bar, the only place we ever meet at these days. He'd been my friend since high school and knew me better than anyone else, so his suggestions and advice meant the world to me. It was his idea, really, to hire a secretary who would also take care of my sexual needs under a consensual contract. This was better than taking care of my libido in other, unhealthy and insecure ways.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You need to get into a relationship," Chanyeol declared, smiling at his girlfriend over the counter. "Trust me, that's the best solution. No matter how out of control your desires get, your partner will know how to handle it. Time and place, especially rules, will not matter anymore. Trust me, there is something extremely freeing about just giving in and letting someone else rule you for once."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I glared at him. He knew I didn't do relationships. I'd never been in one since college, and the last experience was bad enough that it had made me into a sex-addict already. And </span>
  <em>
    <span>giving in,</span>
  </em>
  <span> giving up control, simply wasn't on the table. I liked control over myself and my needs. I didn't know what I'd do if I ever let that control slip.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He intercepted my glare with a raised eyebrow. "And I don't mean a random relationship. I meant your secretary, date him."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now I was practically seething. "Why would I do that?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't know," Chanyeol shrugged. There was something telling in his gaze. "Your need seems to involve him and you haven't shown interest in any of your previous secretaries. Maybe you unconsciously like him or something?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I downed my glass and got up. This was enough alcohol and enough Chanyeol for a day. "I don't </span>
  <em>
    <span>like</span>
  </em>
  <span> people. And I don't </span>
  <em>
    <span>do</span>
  </em>
  <span> relationships."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"But you should!" Chanyeol yelled after me as I hurried out of there.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>My secretary fell ill. It wasn't illegal to be ill but the thing with my secretary was that he was way too devoted to work. He wouldn't admit it and would force himself to work overtime and then it will be too much for him to handle. It has happened once, but back then he had taken a leave and came back healthy. But with this important deal looming and everyone busy drawing up proposals, it was a tough time in the office and my secretary was doing the most important tasks. I knew that was the reason for his carelessness.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Go to a clinic," I advised him as soon as I was done with his ass, and pulled out. I frowned, the condom was slightly ripped off. Did I go that hard?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was shivering, I don't know if it was the fever or the fucking. He straightened and quickly cleaned the table. His face was red, eyes misty. He looked dazed. "I'm taking the required  medicine. I'll be fine in an hour."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I hope that's the case," I said, frowning at his obvious lie. "I don't want you to fall seriously sick the day of the meeting, or pass on the flu to anyone else in the office. Including me. This is precarious timing. None of us can afford it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sighed and I saw a new emotion cross his face. It was almost like anger, suppressed and boiling. "Then maybe we should stop doing this." He meant the sex. "At least, until after I am fine."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I stared at him. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Stop?</span>
  </em>
  <span> It was already too much for me to hold back and keep this thing limited to once-a-day, and he wanted us to stop? I'd go crazy. No, I probably was crazy already.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Unknowingly, Chanyeol and his stupid advice popped to the forefront of my mind. I actually stopped and considered it. I didn't know anything about my secretary, not anything personal. What if he was already dating someone? Or even married?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Do you have someone to take care of you?" I asked, masking my curiosity. "Boyfriend, girlfriend? Family?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He swayed slightly at his spot. He was sicker than he was showing. "No. I live alone."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So he </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> single. Was I really considering it? Am I that desperate? I mean, he was handsome, and I won't deny that I felt obvious attraction towards him. I even liked his lips, and have fantasized about kissing him countless times. But a relationship?</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No.</span>
  </em>
  <span> I cut that thought before it could grow into a weed, and then an infestation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"In that case," I said, "I'm cutting your time short. Go home early, take care of yourself and sleep this off. I want you back at the office tomorrow, in better shape than you are in now. Go."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked like he might protest. But in the end, he just nodded. He forgot cleaning up at the restroom, but his flushed face and softly mussed hair could be easily mistaken for his flu. I hoped. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Later that night, I was ready to head home at eight. I often stayed in the office late, and apart from the security, I also had the keys to the place in case of emergency. It wasn't because I liked working, but there were times I didn't want to go to an empty home and do nothing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This time, I was actually busy, reading through the proposals the teams had written up, making corrections. There were so many mistakes, something which wouldn't have happened if someone talented like Kyungsoo was writing it. I'd often thought about putting him as the management director, but he was far too useful to me as a secretary. It was an entirely selfish reason, yes, but I also couldn't deny the importance of him business-wise. He'd make a great manager. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As I locked up my office and went through the work stations, I spotted Jongdae working overtime, as well. I winced as I remembered that I'd given him Kyungsoo's work for the day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Jongdae-ssi? Shouldn't you be at home with your fiancée by now?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked over with a big smile, tired and trying not to show it. "Ah, boss. I was just wrapping up. Are you going to get a coffee or head home?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Coffee sounded like a good idea. I occasionally took some of my employees and Kyungsoo to the coffee shop across our building at the end of the long hours or overtime.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Not tonight," I managed to sound like I was disappointed by that. "I just want to go home. You should clear out too, unless you want me to lock you in."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He laughed and turned off his computer screen. I waited for him to grab his briefcase and coat, and then continued down the floor. Jongdae suddenly stopped, and gasped.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Wasn't he supposed to leave early?" he said, pointing at someone in another cabin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I turned. And there he was, my secretary, slumped over at the table. For a moment, I thought he was dead or something, my heart stopping. Jongdae and I hurried to him, and he said, touching Kyungsoo's forehead, "He's burning up. What do we do, boss?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The image of his hand lightly pressing on Kyungsoo’s forehead rattled my brain for a second.</span>
  <em>
    <span> I</span>
  </em>
  <span> couldn’t touch my secretary like that. Not his face, at least. It was against the rules. And yet Jongdae was… I had to take a deep breath before stepping closer to them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Do you know where he lives?" I asked and he shook his head, no. "Look up his information on our database, I'm sure there's an address there. I'll take him to a clinic first."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I knew I could ask Jongdae to do it instead, but the thought of him touching </span>
  <em>
    <span>my</span>
  </em>
  <span> secretary any more wasn't pleasing to me for some reason. So while he grabbed our stuff, I picked Kyungsoo up, slung one of his arms over my shoulder and walked/dragged him to the elevator.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Through the whole ordeal, I tried not to think of the way his head pressed against my neck, his body against mine. Even during sex, I made sure to keep a minimal contact with him, and given the state of my emotions and desire for him these days, it was nearly unbearable to hold him like this. The smell of him invaded my whole being and the harsh, his strained breathing made me want to hold him closer, to shelter him from whatever made him feel so sick. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I silently thanked fate for Jongdae's presence, as it kept me from doing something stupid like cuddle Kyungsoo and kiss him. Jongdae helped me put Kyungsoo in the passenger seat of my car, strap him in, and put our stuff in the backseat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You'll be okay?" Jongdae asked as I punched Kyungsoo's address in the navigator. "He seems really sick."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'll send him home safely. Nothing much we can do."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jongdae sighed and then smiled. "You know, I don't want to sound forward but everyone thinks you two could be a couple. I mean, you complement each other so well, and people have been wondering about how both of you don't seem to date anyone."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He'd said it easily, like it was normal for people to have relationships. I couldn't tell him that I wasn't normal, that he had no idea, minus the romance, Kyungsoo and I were closer than a couple. I just glared in warning. "That </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> forward and you're being a bit rude. Good night, and don't speak of it to anyone if you want to continue working with me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jongdae stopped smiling, held out an arm in surrender. "No problem, boss. I didn't see anything."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>My secretary was in no condition to walk, which is why I had to beg the doctor at the clinic to come out to my car and check him over.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"He's simply running ragged, exhausted beyond anything. The temperature is short term and can be fixed. I'll give you some medication, and suggest him complete bed rest for at least two days. Don't forget to keep him hydrated." The doctor told me, as if </span>
  <em>
    <span>I</span>
  </em>
  <span> was supposed to do all of that, or at least make sure that it was done.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As I drove to his address, I remembered that he had said he lived alone. Who exactly was supposed to take care of him, give him medicine and keep him hydrated? The closer I got to the address, the obvious it became. Kyungsoo had been a good secretary; he'd served me well, in every manner, for the last three years. It seemed like it was my turn to show my gratitude by taking care of him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I kept my eyes on the road, avoiding looking at him when he was slumped over, completely vulnerable in this state. It would be so easy to just kiss him and… </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I was still struggling with this insane increase in desire for him, it was groundless, and no matter what Chanyeol said, completely irrational. I had meticulously built up my life and the balance in my needs, but that didn't mean my body wouldn't rebel, given the chance. And this was dangerously close to a chance.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I shook my head</span>
  <em>
    <span>. Calm down, he is ill. You can't take advantage of him in this state.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Kyungsoo's apartment was in the lower part of the town. I felt nervous as I parked in front of a dilapidated apartment complex. Truthfully, I paid handsomely to all my employees, but given his extra services to me, I paid Kyungsoo more. It didn't make sense for him to live in such a beat-up place. This area seemed like where each day a crime occurred. At least, it seemed probable to happen</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I got out, and dragged him to the stairs. Thankfully his apartment was on the third floor and I didn't have to drag him long. I found his key in his bag and got him inside. Putting him on the couch in the living room, I finally looked around the place.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was quite small compared to my penthouse apartment. But despite the dilapidated conditions of the building, his apartment looked moderately comfortable and warm. It suited Kyungsoo's personality. The white and grey walls, the minimum furniture and no paintings. There was a kitchenette next to the living space, and a door on the other side which I assumed was the bedroom.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"This is not how I imagined being in your home," I mumbled, then caught myself. I </span>
  <em>
    <span>shouldn't</span>
  </em>
  <span> imagine being here anyways. Our relationship was strictly business, confined only to my office. Nothing more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I looked around the kitchenette for something to eat. I found last night's fried rice and heated it up in a small microwave. Then I shook him awake. He groaned softly, not moving. Fuck, he was… </span>
  <em>
    <span>cute? </span>
  </em>
  <span>I shook myself. He's sick.</span>
  <em>
    <span> Stop. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"Kyungsoo-ssi, you need to eat and take medicine," I told him, he didn't seem to hear. "Wake up and eat."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn't. So I sighed and had to spoon small amounts into his mouth and watch him swallow in a state of semi-consciousness .</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This was ridiculous. He was ill, sweaty, and his clothes were messed up. There should be nothing attractive about him, and yet, I couldn't stop staring at him. This was the only chance to look at him all I wanted without appearing to be creepy. I suppose, staring at him while he slept was creepy too, but this moment with no one else around us, I couldn't let it slip by. So I fed him, and watched his face, his lips, the smooth column of his neck as he swallowed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The bite mark on his ear was already healed. I didn't expect it to scar, and it had been a week ago, but I suddenly missed it. I didn't know why but it had secretly thrilled me each day to watch him walk into work, carrying the mark that I put on him. I was almost tempted to leave another one on him. Almost. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once he'd eaten most of the rice, I fed him the pills and forced water through a straw in his mouth. A trail of water fell from his lips down his chin, and I absently reached out to wipe it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I froze. This was the first time I was touching him skin to skin. Touching his face, a place I wasn't ever supposed to touch, as per the rules. My finger lingered on his lips, down his chin, tracing his jawbone and the soft curve of his neck. I don't remember when I leaned closer, close enough to kiss him, our breaths mingling, his scent disorienting me completely. Something strange and chemical was happening to me, and it took all of my willpower to take my hand away and move back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I'd done my job. I gave him medicine and water. But I didn't know if I could stay near him any longer. I was scared of the images my mind was conjuring up for me, of the things I was imagining. Things I wanted to do to him. Things I wanted </span>
  <em>
    <span>with</span>
  </em>
  <span> him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I left a new glass of water with a straw on the table in front of him. I wrote a note for him to drink and rest for at least two days. I grabbed a comforter from his bedroom, trying not to look around at his simple bed, a computer and work table, a shelf of books. Trying to ignore the way everything smelled of him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I ran out of there as soon as I tucked him in. He was making it hard for me to breathe. I don't know what was happening anymore. He was just a secretary, I was his boss, and we fucked on a contract. That was all it was supposed to be. I didn't want to </span>
  <em>
    <span>want</span>
  </em>
  <span> him anymore than that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yet I did. And that meant, there was something wrong with me.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>My secretary came back to work two days later, looking much better than before. He didn't complain when he had to work extra, catching up on all of his missed assignments, and he didn't complain when I nearly fucked him into oblivion, barely holding back from biting his ear again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was limping for the rest of the day, and I felt bad for being rough. He'd only just recovered from an illness, what if my roughness sent him back to being sick. I couldn't afford that. We had that big meeting coming up in Paris, in less than two weeks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The next day, I saw Jongdae handing Kyungsoo a small box wrapped in a bright red wrapper. Several employees gave Kyungsoo similar things, and at first it seemed like they were welcoming him back after regaining health, but a cursory glance at the company web page showed me that it was his birthday.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Three years, and I never knew </span>
  <em>
    <span>when</span>
  </em>
  <span> his birthday was. I didn't know about anyone's birthday as a matter of fact, I never wished my employees even if I saw them celebrating in the cafeteria. But for the same, strange reason as before, I was slightly troubled that I'd missed my secretary's birthday. That I should do something for him, even if it meant wishing him or giving him a present. Maybe I could be gentle when I call him in for our daily round of sex?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was a strange, sweet expression on his face when he came in. It took me a moment to figure out that it was the closest thing to a smile that I'd ever seen on his face. No wonder he must be happy today, it was his special day after all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Has everyone else gone for lunch?" I asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes, sir."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This was another thing I liked. Everyone else either called me Boss or CEO Byun, putting distance between us and our status to respect me. But my secretary always called me </span>
  <em>
    <span>Sir</span>
  </em>
  <span> as if I was someone special to hold the title, like I was his master on more levels than one. It certainly gave me a sense of thrill. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well, get to it then?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His almost-smile faltered and he got into his usual position on the table. Two days of not having this, I had to pace my breathing, my hands shaking slightly as he bent over. Since I was going to be gentle, I took out a bottle of lube from the drawer. He gasped when I put my finger in, and then gasped again as I slowly moved it in and out of his hole.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Does it hurt?" I asked, adding another finger inside. I usually didn't ask him this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Not much," he got out, then nearly moaned as I fit in four fingers inside of him, lubing him up well.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Tell me if it hurts too much," I whispered, pulling on a condom, pouring more lube on my cock and going in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I clenched my teeth. I still wasn't used to his heat, even after all this time. The lube was helping me move faster, smoother and I wondered why I didn't use it often. I knew I had to be gentle, but then he started thrusting his hips back, meeting each of my thrust with his own. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Holy shit, why was he being so hot?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He had gotten better at this, and I was completely lost in the feeling of being buried deep inside of him like this. I closed my eyes, and just forgot about the whole world around me. There was just me and him. Our desire for this, for each other. It wasn't the case, before but I knew that he had started wanting me back, at some level, for a few months now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a moment I considered it. What if I broke the rules and leaned down to kiss his neck? Bite it and leave a hickey, a present for his birthday? Would it be that bad? It's not like the world would end, he might even enjoy it, like he was now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then the moment shattered when Jongdae tried to open the door from outside.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Boss? Are you in there?" he called in his annoyingly loud voice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I stopped moving and on instinct leaned down over Kyungsoo and gagged him with my hand. "Don't say anything, he'll leave eventually," I whispered in his ear, lingering near him for a while.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was staring ahead, wide-eyed at the door. I was thankful for the fact that I always locked the door when I met with Kyungsoo this way. But Jongdae was persistent.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Boss, I can't find secretary Do. We're throwing him a secret birthday party in the cafe and taking him for drinks tonight." He tried to open the door again. "Why is it locked?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then I heard a second voice and sighed in relief. Taeyeon, from the desk outside my office, the only person who knew of my arrangement with my secretary.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What are you doing here?" she asked sharply.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I was still leaning down, my hand on Kyungsoo's mouth. This close, I could have put my nose in his hair. I still inhaled. He had the same heady, intoxicating scent on him as always when we fucked. I'd never noticed how mouthwatering it was. I wanted more of it, of him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Outside, Jongdae was still jabbering away. "Have you seen secretary Do? It's his birthday. We are throwing him a bash, because we haven't done anything for him before. Heck, if it wasn't for boss asking me to look up his information that night, I wouldn't even know. Oh, wait... I'm not supposed to talk about it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I looked down at the beads of sweat going down the back of Kyungsoo's neck. I wanted to lick them. He was happy indeed, because for the first time in three years, his colleagues were finally celebrating his birthday. I wondered why he hadn't opened up before, or why he always remained aloof. Quietly and responsibly doing his job every day. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He deserves more,</span>
  </em>
  <span> I found myself thinking. He deserves to be happy, and not just on his birthday.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I started moving slowly, despite the fact that Jongdae was still outside, convincing Taeyeon to join him and search for Kyungsoo. He gasped against my hand, his breaths coming in short bursts and I enjoyed the feeling of his lips gasping into my palm, the softness of them. He was so fucking hot without even trying. How  could he be so effortlessly sexy? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Leaning down to mouth his ear, I whispered, "Turn around."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He squeaked out in shock as I pulled out of him and grabbed his shoulder to maneuver him. He was on his back, staring up at me with those dazed, sexy eyes. His mouth was pink from rubbing against my palm, parted in the way that begged to be kissed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I grabbed his thighs and spread him open. I never tried doing him in this position before and I was cursing myself for not trying it earlier. He was so fucking beautiful it hurt me to look at him, bare before me. Showing me everything from his nakedness to his pleasured expression. I wanted to tear open his shirt, maul his nipples, leave a trail of bites down his torso. I itched to grab his leaking cock, twitching in anticipation as I finally entered him again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes fell close, his hands coming up to hide his face. I growled low in my throat, grabbing both of his wrists and planting them on the table around his head. Leaning down so that I was lying on him, our faces inches apart, still buried deep, I ordered, "Open your eyes. I want you to look at me when I fuck you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He opened his eyes and I didn't know what he saw on my face. I hardly knew what I was doing or feeling anymore. Whatever he saw, it was enough for him to whimper out softly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>We were blissfully alone again. Taeyeon had managed to take Jongdae away. I knew I had only a few minutes until the break ended. I made him feel each thrust, each move as I picked up speed. My hands tightened on his wrists and I was drawing closer and closer to his mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was looking at me through it all, exactly as I told him. Our eyes never leaving each other, but I could see him faltering as I hit that spot inside of him. His eyes falling close and then snapping open again to watch me. He was going to be the end of me, fucking hell.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I climaxed first, it hit me out of nowhere. I wanted him to go with me, so I grabbed his cock in my fist, stroking him with each of my thrusts until we were both completely empty. His mouth made a soundless O, and I watched his pupils dilate completely as orgasm rocked through him. This was his face when he came and I was stupid for not being able to see it before. If I had any suspicions before, they were gone. I knew now, whatever it was, this insane </span>
  <em>
    <span>need,</span>
  </em>
  <span> he felt it just as much as I did.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What did it mean for us then? Was Chanyeol right? Was I brave enough to get into a relationship with him? The actual, real thing? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After it was done, I could have cut the stones with the awkwardness that surrounded us. I slumped in my chair, my hand splattered with Kyungsoo's cum. I was completely spent. He was sitting up on the table, slowly putting his clothes to rights. None of us commented on the things which had fallen off my table on the floor, because until now, we both had been oblivious to everything else, everyone else. It felt like we'd travelled to a distant planet and then came back suddenly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I knew it was coming. Three years we'd been doing things according to a system, and today, I'd done something different. It was a simple change in position, a simple touch of my hand, but I knew Kyungsoo wasn't a fool. He must have seen the desire on my face, the truth of how much more I wanted him now, just as I saw it in him. There was no excuse for me to make, and I knew </span>
  <em>
    <span>"because it's your birthday"</span>
  </em>
  <span> wasn't going to be good enough.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sir, I need to ask you some things," he said quietly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Behind him, through the closed doors, I could hear the rest of the employees coming back from the lunch. It looked like Kyungsoo had just missed his surprise birthday party because of me. I tried not to focus on what he'd said. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Things.</span>
  </em>
  <span> He wanted to know more than this incident. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What?" I prided myself at how steady my voice was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was in control of his emotions too. Yet there was something sharp in his gaze. "Did you bring me home that night?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I could deny. He wouldn't question me or argue. But he was no fool.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I know it was your handwriting on the note," he said, answering his own question. "I'm sorry for being so incompetent. I can't believe you had to see me in that state, and that you had to go through all the trouble."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I blinked. It was wrong for him to feel sorry when it was his birthday. "You're only human. It was just a fever. You have nothing to apologize for."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He finally stood up and gave me a small bow. "I have another thing to ask. Can I take off early today?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This was new. He never asked to go home early before. "Can I ask for what reason?" And then I sighed. It's his birthday. He probably has friends, plans. But this was still unprofessional of him. And he was never unprofessional.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I have a friend coming over," he said. "He has to leave tonight, he can only spare me a few hours. I haven't seen him in four years and-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I focused on this piece of information. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He?</span>
  </em>
  <span> "Why not? If he's your friend you should be able to see him."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"He is a soldier. He was deployed somewhere else these past years and this is the first chance he has to visit me, and his family."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I sighed. </span>
  <em>
    <span>A soldier friend?</span>
  </em>
  <span> I wondered if there was something more to their relationship. I'd never seen Kyungsoo talk about anyone with that reserved respect in his voice. "He is coming to celebrate with you? How nice of him. What have you planned?" Could he hear the sarcasm in my voice?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't know. I'll cook for him I guess. Movies... I don't know. I wasn't sure if you would allow me to go early since the work is too much and I was sick and..." He stopped when he realized that I was glaring. He gave me another bow. The soft expression of the smile, and orgasm which I gave him, all wiped off of his face. His disappointment was silent, but clear. "I'll just... I apologise."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was almost at the door when I said, "Kyungsoo, submit that file before you check out. I expect you in the office early tomorrow."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stopped, turned, and blinked. "Sir?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You can go as early as you finish with the file," I said dismissively. "You don't know when you'll meet your friend again. Go, have fun."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked down, but not before I saw his smile. "Thank you, sir. I'll be here earlier than everyone else."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He turned to go again. I called, casually picking up a paper in front of me, pretending to ignore him, "And Kyungsoo? Happy returns of the day."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I didn't know what face he was making now, but I could feel him take a step back towards me. Almost as if... No, don't come close. I don't know what I might do. Just don't. If it wasn't for his birthday, and for the fact that I wanted him to forget about what just happened today between us, I'd have never allowed him to leave early.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he was gone, I called Chanyeol. As soon as he picked up, I asked, "So... Hypothetically speaking, how does someone ask someone to date them?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chanyeol choked on air on the other end. And then he screamed in my ear, nearly ripping off my eardrums.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>
    <span>Movies</span>
  </em>
  <span>... Why would they go to the movies if there wasn't something more than friendship between them?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chanyeol had spent most of the afternoon telling me how people asked other people out on dates, and one of the most popular one was to go to the movies.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I drove aimlessly at first. I had grabbed dinner already and I didn't want to go home and drink alone. I also didn't go to Chanyeol's girlfriend's bar because he would put even more ideas in my head and I already hated him for it. It was obvious that I was in my secretary's neighborhood when I glanced at the navigation. I stomped on the brakes, parking along the road.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I was shocked at my own behavior today. Of what happened in my office with Kyungsoo. I made him expose himself in front of me in that vulgar manner, made him look at me. I do not know if was romantic, but it had been a hot, sweaty affair and just remembering his face when he came was enough to sufficiently paralyze me with need. I glanced around me. I was in the market area, and I spotted a signboard to the liquor store. I drove over and decided to buy myself some cheap soju and drown out my common sense enough to forget about the day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>One week to go, the meeting in Paris will be done and then I'll get a well deserved long weekend off. I bought a six pack with this mindset, already feeling well enough, as I walked out of the store and headed to my car.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sir?" a voice called out.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>God give me strength. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>I turned to look at my right, slowly taking in the scene in front of me. My eyes latched on to Kyungsoo hungrily, as if I hadn't seen him in ages. He was out of his suit and I was shocked to find him even more mouthwatering in his black jeans and pale coffee t-shirt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then I saw who was with him. I'd expected his soldier friend to be tall, broad and built like a bull. But he was a small man, just a few centimeters taller than Kyungsoo. He had this pale skin, cat-like eyes and a friendly face. With annoyance, I admitted that he was handsome. My gaze fell between them, to their interlocked fingers. Something dark roared to life inside of me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With difficulty I mastered my features and said, "secretary Do, enjoying your birthday, I see."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He blinked at me foolishly. "What are you doing here, sir?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In answer, I held up my purchase. "Just wanted a drink."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh," Kyungsoo said, and then looked away, his ears turning pink. It was rare to see him blush so openly, but this time I knew what he was thinking, because I was thinking back to the same memory. When I had him flat on my table, my cock buried inside of his heat... his soft moans...</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I bit my tongue, hard. My body thrummed with arousal. Again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You haven't introduced me, Soo," his friend said.</span>
</p><p><span>My eyes snapped to him</span><em><span>. Soo?</span></em> <em><span>What the actual fuck?</span></em></p><p>
  <span>"Yes, of course," Kyungsoo said, relaxing. "This is my Boss, CEO Byun Baekhyun."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>My throat went dry. Have I ever heard my name spoken out loud by Kyungsoo before? I liked it on his lips, in his voice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And this is my best friend," Kyungsoo said, his hand tightening around his friend's hand. A simple, breathtaking smile coming to his lips. "Captain Kim Minseok."</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Captain.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Joy. Hie smile was a sin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's nice to meet you," I said, clearing my throat, then lied, "I've heard a lot about you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minseok smiled wide and Kyungsoo looked away, flustered. I wondered if his best friend knew what I did to him in my office, like my best friend knew. But the expression on my secretary's face was answer enough. Whatever it was between me and him, Kyungsoo hadn't told anyone else.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I've heard much about you, as well," said the Captain, taking my hand when I offered it and shaking it firmly. "Thank you for taking care of my Soo. I can't tell you how grateful I am that you gave him his dream job."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I raised an eyebrow. "Dream job?" I asked. I didn't know it was Kyungsoo's dream to not just work with me, but also have me fuck him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"He always wanted to work in a big company," Minseok clarified. "He is weird like that."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I see." Best friends my ass. There was definitely something between them, and the knowledge filled me with inexplicable emotions. "Well, I have to go. Enjoy your evening."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Are you planning on drinking it alone? A lot, isn't it?" Minseok asked, eyeing the six-pack soju in my hand. "Tell you what, we're headed to the cinema, care to join?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kyungsoo kicked Minseok, and glared at him in silent warning. He obviously wanted to be alone. But I was still filled up with that dark feeling and suddenly I wanted to ruin Kyungsoo's evening. I didn't care if it was his birthday or his friend had come after many years just for him. He had been constantly driving me into depression, and I wanted to get back at him somehow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Movie? Which one?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Comedy I think, which was it Soo?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kyungsoo tried to smile. "I think it was Shazam."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sure. Why not?" I said. "I'd love to join you. Shall I give you a ride?" I'd just noticed that they were on foot all this time. Walking the streets, hand in hand. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Great.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"If it's not too much? The cinema is a few blocks away, I think." Minseok didn't wait for Kyungsoo's answer and stepped up to my car.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I took out my keys and unlocked with the button. Kyungsoo snapped into action, being a secretary again and tried to open the door for me as always. I grabbed his wrist, pulling enough pressure to remind him how I'd grabbed his wrists just hours ago when I fucked him. The way his breath hitched, I knew that he remembered it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're off duty, secretary Do," I told him pleasantly, unable to resist rubbing my thumb over his veins. "You don't have to do this right now. Just be comfortable."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He yanked his hand away and got into the seat in the back with Minseok. I sat in the driver's seat and smiled. "This is a nice change of pace. Usually it's you in the driver's seat driving me, right?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kyungsoo made no comments, and I didn't miss when he rubbed a thumb over the place I'd touched moments ago. Minseok chuckled, "Your boss is really cool. I'm jealous. My superior would never have done this."</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>I bought their tickets, even though Minseok kept insisting otherwise. Kyungsoo hadn't said a word all this time. In the end, Minseok bought a large popcorn bucket for us all.  We got seats in the fifth row, right by the aisle. Minseok sat first, then Kyungsoo, then me. I actually would have preferred to sit away from him, but as the lights dimmed and the movie started, I was glad that I had.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I tried watching the movie, actually enjoying the first half hour. But as we ate popcorn and my fingers brushed against Kyungsoo by accident a few times, I knew that I couldn't ignore him any longer. As crazy as it sounded, I was ready to just go all in. I needed to ask him if he would be willing to have a relationship with me. I needed him to know that I was interested in him, not only because I was his boss, but as a person.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Reaching out, I placed my hand on his thigh, not provocatively, just softly letting him know that I was just as aware of him as he was of me. I let it linger for several seconds, and then withdrew it. Then I slowly turned to look at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes were fixed to the screen, but I knew that he sensed me watching. He gulped visibly, and then exhaled long, slow. There were crumbs on his lips, and taking advantage of the dark, I reached out to wipe it away. It was a hurried touch, but I didn't miss the softness of his lips, or the way his eyes fluttered close.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This was the limit. I </span>
  <em>
    <span>wanted</span>
  </em>
  <span> him. And the sooner I asked him out, the sooner I could I taste him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I got up, excusing myself, and walked out towards the lobby. I sent him a text message: </span>
  <em>
    <span>We need to talk. Come out. It's urgent.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>I paced back and forth, waiting. I almost thought he wouldn't read it, wouldn't come. But years of Kyungsoo following my orders had played the part well, as I saw him walking out a few moments later. He spotted me and came over.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What did you want to say?" he asked, being casual yet polite.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I looked around. "Not here. Come."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I found a storage room next to the small hallway and signaled him inside. It was a small room, but bright and airy. I closed the door and started pacing again, trying to find the right words.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What's your real relationship with him?" I asked, surprised at how bitter it sounded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kyungsoo hadn't expected that. He was shocked as well. "Minseok? He's my best friend."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Have you two ever done... what we do?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kyungsoo replied quickly. "No, never. I think of him as a brother."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I couldn't tell how pleased I was to hear this so I asked another question. "Does he know about our ... arrangement?"  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No. I haven't told anyone about it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"But he's your best friend."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"He also lives far away," he replied, his voice had taken on the edge of annoyance. "I don't discuss office related stuff with anyone. But why are you even asking me this?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I was aware of the smallness of the room, of how close we stood. His scent was in my nose, my body trembled for more. I should have talked more, said something about what I wanted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead I pushed him against the wall, slamming my hand on his mouth. I was completely pressed up against him, our whole bodies touching and his uneven breathing caused our chests to rub together. Leaning closer, I whispered, "Not a single sound. Remember?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rules were rules. Until they weren't. I bit down on his ear, ignoring his struggles. My hand sliding down his torso, feeling the hidden plains of muscles and ridges, down his abdomen to the belt holding his jeans. I opened it in one move, and plunged my hand down the front, grabbing him through his underwear.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I groaned to find out that he'd been affected too, he was already half hard for me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sir..." he mumbled into my palm, "Please..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'll take care of it," I whispered in his ear. "Just be silent, okay?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then I slid down the length of his body to kneel in front of him. It took me mere seconds to pull down the jeans and pull his cock from his underwear. I glanced up, watching his eyes widen with every action. Slowly, carefully watching his face, I brought my lips down on him, swallowing him to the base in one, slow movement. Watching him through it all. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His knees buckled as he grabbed my hair, struggling to remain standing. His lips were parted but as per the rules, he didn't even dare to make a sound. He tugged at my hair, pulling me away, but when I started moving my tongue all over his erection he gave up, a sigh escaping him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Most of the movie goers were still inside the theatre. The hallway outside was blissfully empty, but even if it wasn't, I wouldn't have cared. I couldn't explain how wonderful it was to finally have him this way. This is the moment I could have only dreamt of, since I couldn't have it in reality. Another tug on my hair, and I realized, this was reality. It was actually happening.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I started moving, taking him in and out of my mouth, sucking him hard, tasting his precum on my tongue. My hand cupped the base of his cock, rubbing his balls together, making him gasp again. I looked at him again and smiled around his cock. He was completely drenched in pleasure, unaware of anything and everything. I loved undoing him like this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>My mind raced ahead of me. Once we were done here, I'll ask him out. Once we were dating, I'll do so much more to him, do the things I could only dream of.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He started tugging again and I knew he was going to cum. So I swallowed him up again, feeling him twitch inside my mouth as hot liquid poured down my throat. I ate it up, savoring the taste of him. Sucking a few more times, I finally released him with a loud, popping smack.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He finally collapsed in front of me, his hands coming up to grab his head, like he was trying to contain himself. I sat down too, scooting away from him a little.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now that the urgent need was out of the way, I grimaced at the wetness I could feel in my underwear, I was thinking clearly again. I noticed how stressed he looked as his orgasm faded and his face became strained.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm sorry," I said softly, because I had obviously done something I shouldn't have. At least not before I asked him out. "I keep forgetting the rules. I keep breaking them when I'm with you and-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What rules?" he snapped, his voice venomous. I blinked. I had never heard such anger in his voice before. "Don't you just make and break them down as it pleases you?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I actually didn't. I was offended that he thought that. "The rules, Kyungsoo. The rules in your contract, the one you signed when you began working for me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At this he slammed his head back, banging it against the wall, and started laughing. It would have been beautiful if it wasn't for the madness I heard in it. His eyes were leaking tears now. Nothing about this situation was amusing and I couldn't figure out why...</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Didn't you hear what Minseok said? It was my dream job. When I finally got selected, I was over the moon. I was so fucking happy that I signed the contract, without even bothering to read it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A sinking realization that I had miscalculated came to me. What he was saying meant... "You signed the contract without even reading? Why...?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Because I was happy and naive. I was relieved to be selected. I had been on the road, looking for jobs, going through interviews and I lost count of how many times I was rejected. But when it finally happened I didn't care about the rules or the work hours. I was just so glad that I wasn't going to be useless for the rest of my life." He wiped his face. No more tears came out of him anymore. Like he'd already cried too many times, spent all of his tears already. "And then that first day you called me during lunch and told me to wash up in the bathroom for... I thought my life was playing some kind of sick and cruel joke. I deserved it, I think."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I looked away from him. Things were becoming clear. I remembered his first day, how shocked he'd looked when I pulled out the lube and condom. The tears in his eyes when I dismissed him after. I'd unknowingly raped him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I didn't know that you didn't read it," I said, my voice coming out in a horrible whisper. "How was I supposed to know that you were unwilling? I assumed you knew what the job entailed and... Why didn't you say anything?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was looking at me now, and for once his strange ability to show no emotions made sense. It was because he had learned not to feel anything at all. "I didn't say anything because I was scared. I was worried that if you realized I was no longer useful you'd fire me. I just... I needed the job. My mother's debt, my student loans, the fees for my siblings and so many things... I needed the money..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So all this time you just took it unwillingly. Because of fear that you would be fired. All this time..." I had no words. I thought I knew him. I thought he wanted me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It was not nice the first year, but then I learned to enjoy it. I even started anticipating it, waiting for you to call me, I even... missed it." His voice was hollow. Like he couldn't believe himself. "I just... I was scared. But if you... you started doing these sort of things, I don't know what to do anymore. I can't handle more, I'm already too bound to you, too addicted. I do not know my feelings for you and… I can't take any more..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>My hopes of asking him out. Of making him mine, I could feel them sinking. It was never going to happen. Now that I knew he didn't want it. Didn't want me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Are you going to fire me now?" he asked, his tone pleading as he came closer, on his knees. "Don't, please. We'll keep doing this the way we always do. I won't even bother with the rules. Do anything you want to me I won't complain just...  Don’t fire me, please."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I stood up. I couldn't stop thinking that I'd been unknowingly raping him for three years. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Why didn't I notice?</span>
  </em>
  <span> There were signs. I should have known something wasn't right the first day, but I'd just assumed that he was new at it that's why he… </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And the sight of him begging on his knees, I couldn't handle it anymore. The way he looked at me, desparate and promising me </span>
  <em>
    <span>anything…</span>
  </em>
  <span> It hit too close to home. I could see my own reflection there, once I had begged like this too… </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"This isn't the place to discuss anything," I told him, conjuring up my best Boss voice. I was still rattled, terrified of the truth he'd just exposed. "Meet me in the office, six in the morning, before everyone else comes in for work."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I forced myself to walk out of there. I didn't look back to see if he was also coming out, I just got out, got into my car and drove off. Then I called Chanyeol, and by the end of my explanation, I was crying. Uncontrollable, horrible sobs broke out of me and all I could think was: </span>
  <em>
    <span>What have I done? What have I done?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>I didn't hear as Chanyeol kept insisting that it wasn't my fault, that my secretary should have read the contract before agreeing to it. How wasn't it my fault? I was the one who had the problem, this uncontrollable libido. I needed fixing. And since I was the one at fault, it was my job to make things right. I drove to the office, taking the liquor I bought with me. There was too much that needed to be done, before meeting Kyungsoo in the morning.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>He was freshly showered, I noticed when he walked in the office. He was ten minutes early. He took in my rumpled hair, the hair he'd tugged at them last night, and my old clothes. The bottles of soju lined up next to the table on the floor, waiting for the janitor when he came to clean up. It was just the two of us, not including the guard down in the lobby, in the building. I would have been tempted, but I couldn't bring myself to feel anything after what I had discovered last night.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Without any greetings, I signaled him to take a seat in front of me. He sat and waited. The utter look of misery on his face made me feel worse, if possible. Made me want to comfort him somehow. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead, I took out three files from the drawer. I'd been trying to work on them the entire night, downing the bottles of soju until I was drunk and miserable. The sight of him had jolted some awareness back in me, at least. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"This is your contract from three years ago," I gave him the first file. "Read it now."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was a big contract with many clauses. But the main focus was clause 27 and 28.</span>
</p><p><b> 27:</b> <em><span>Among your other duties as a secretary, you'll also be required to take care of the sexual needs of your employer. You will allow him anal penetration (in safe conditions), but no form of other physical contact is allowed. You will not touch, kiss, or agree to perform oral sex. You are within your rights to refuse, or if your employer ever crosses the line that you find yourself uncomfortable with. </span></em></p><p><b> 28:</b> <em><span>You are bound to secrecy regarding </span></em><em><span>Clause 27</span></em><em><span>, and will be fired immediately if the nature of your service to your employer ever comes out in light on your part. Even after the termination of this contract, you will not reveal any secret your employer trusted to you, including the nature of your services.</span></em></p><p>
  <span>Kyungsoo read everything carefully and when he reached the two clauses, I saw his shoulders bunch. He was disappointed in himself for not being more careful. Sometimes, it was easier to read him or perhaps, after all these years, I had gotten too used to these small expressions. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once he finished it, I gave him the second file. "Sign this."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He read it. It was short and precise. "You're firing me." His eyes were suddenly wet again, lips pursing in the way they had when he was literally begging me in that dimly lit storage room last night. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Please, sign it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a trembling hand, he grabbed the pen from my desk and slowly signed. His shoulders began shaking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Now, read this," I handed him the third and last file. "Carefully."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes went wide. He looked at me, then at the new contract in his hand, then me again. "I don't understand."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I held up the termination letter that he'd just signed. "With this you're no longer my secretary. But I'm not going to waste your talent like that. I'm firing you as my secretary because you aren't comfortable with the job, but I'm not going to kick you out of the company. I want you to work as the head of the management department."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was just staring at me, mouth parted, eyes wide. God, he was so perfect. I hated that I still wanted him. Was I really just developing feelings for him all this time? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked down and started reading. It took him a while, it was a big contract and he was careful this time. There were no clauses that forced him to be my sex partner. It was just a normal contract.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What about Jongdae?" he asked finally. "Where will he go?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm promoting him," I said, not going into details.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And what about you?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I didn't look at him. I didn't want to know what face he was making now. "I'll look for a new secretary."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Slowly, he picked up the pen again, and signed the new contract. It was done. He was no longer mine. He was just another employee.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You'll receive a car, a new apartment and a 30% increase in your monthly salary." I gave him the facts, grabbing all the files and putting them away. I still didn't dare to look at him. "About the big meeting in Paris, you already know what mistakes were made and what your new department needs to get done. Empty your cabin and move into the office. I expect a full report today before the office time ends."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was still seated. Softly, he said, "I just want you to know, it wasn't your fault. I was the foolish one. You were never cruel to me, and you never hurt me because you wanted to. I never felt as if I was treated..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I raped you against your will for years," I snapped, finally looking at him. "That's all I need to know. Please, just... go. You have a job to do."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then I added, "If you wish to press charges, I'll accept it. You are within your rights to do so and I was…"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't," he cut me off sharply, finally standing up. I still couldn't look at his face completely, feeling like I might break if I dared. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a strange, empty voice, he said, "Thank you for not firing me. And I'm sorry for giving you trouble."</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Trouble.</span>
  </em>
  <span> I wish it was something so simple. No, he'd done something worse to me. He'd given me hope. Hope that maybe I could be in a relationship, that I could be close to someone and feel their warmth. That I didn't have to be alone anymore. In the end, it was all just my own illusion. It was only me who felt it.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>The next few days were a blur of meetings and calls and emails. I was too busy to think of Kyungsoo. Whenever we met, we kept a polite distance and spoke formally, remaining to the point. If others had felt the change in our interaction they didn't say anything. But it was obvious things had changed in the office.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The first day, some of the team members from Kyungsoo's department had come to ask me why he was put as head, and the next day, they were singing his praises. He was shining, in his element. I had been holding back his potential all this time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Am I coming with you?" he asked me at the end of our final meeting.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You made the list," I replied. "Are you coming with me?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes," he said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Then it's settled. I don't see any problems." I was going to just walk away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You don't have a secretary yet," he said and I stopped in my tracks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Taeyeon is looking into it," I said, trying to remain composed. "I'll conduct interviews once we are back from Paris."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I just... wanted to say thanks, again. I got the keys, and I moved to the new apartment yesterday." He was speaking fast, as if scared I would disappear. "I'm having a housewarming party and I'd love it if you could come."</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Enough.</span>
  </em>
  <span> I whirled around, slamming my briefcase on the conference room table. "I'm not going to your house. And before you get any ideas, I'm not comfortable with you being here in the same room as me. I'm trying, okay. But it is really hard for me to be around you and not want to fuck you. So please, stop being so civil."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I just-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Didn't you ever wonder why I was doing it? Why did I need a secretary to take care of my needs?" I could tell from his expression that, no, he had never thought about it at all. He probably thought it was just a habit, an exploitation of my status and position. "It's because I'm sick in the head. I need to get it out of my system once every day if I want to function normally. Because the last time I had a boyfriend, he drugged me for four years and made me into a sex addict. I can't live without it, and soon enough I'll have someone willing to take care of it for me. So just -"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes had gone wide, horrified. I could see him connecting it all in his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Now you see why I want you to stay away? Because right now I'm a time bomb, and I might explode.  And I don't want to do that to you, not after everything I have done. Please, I'm begging you. Don't be friendly, don't come any closer. I can't hold myself accountable if..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A phone call mercifully interrupted me. It was Chanyeol. "Just don't," I said one last time and walked out of there.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>The meeting went spectacularly well. Even before we closed it I knew we had the deal in the bag.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Afterwards, the French invited us to a lavish dinner which continued for a few hours. It was easy to forget about Kyungsoo in the noise or the chatter, even if he sat right across from me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But afterwards, my team of colleagues decided to go out and explore as much of Paris as they could. We had to take a flight back in two days, because we still had a few small meetings to finalize everything and sign several documents.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jongdae leaned heavily on me to come with them and I somehow wriggled free. But one look at Kyungsoo's face told me that he wasn't fooled. I was avoiding him. Good. It's better if he knew that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So I went back to my hotel room alone while everyone else hailed a cab and attacked Paris.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once I was safely in my room, I called Chanyeol. The minute he picked up the phone, I knew I had interrupted him. I could hear soft murmur of his girlfriend in the background, asking if everything was okay.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm sorry," I said at once. "I'll hang up."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No. Baek, what's wrong?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I sighed. I wanted to tell him the same story. That I felt broken, that I wanted to turn back time so that I'd never asked Kyungsoo to be my secretary, that I'd never met my ex-boyfriend who had broken something crucial inside of me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But I just said, "I just wanted to distract myself. Don’t worry about it, just go back to whatever you were doing. Bye.” I cut the phone and sighed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Here I was, alone in a hotel room with nothing to occupy my thoughts anymore. So naturally they went to the only person I wanted to avoid. Kyungsoo. My ex-secretary.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t the first time I wondered what would have happened if I had noticed his discomfort that first day, if I had assumed for a moment that maybe he didn’t want to do it despite signing the contract. Maybe things would have been different right now. At least, I wouldn’t feel as if I was a rapist.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I cursed my luck and my past lives. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What did I do so bad to deserve this?</span>
  </em>
  <span> It was my own foolishness to believe that my ex-boyfriend loved me, cherished me. That he wanted to share me with his friends because he was proud of me. It wasn’t until Chanyeol had found out the videos on porn sites and busted me out of that place that I realized I was being drugged regularly for two years. When the withdrawal set in, I was sure I would die.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But I had survived, and the minute I came out of rehab, I decided to make a name for myself. To become someone untouchable and powerful, so that I would never be fooled again. And yet, in the end I played myself. I played with my own heart and allowed myself to feel something for the first time in years. It was my own stupidity that I was broken once again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If I believed in god any more, I would have begged for forgiveness. I would have begged for a miracle that somehow Kyungsoo would like me so damn much that what I did wouldn’t matter anymore. I would pray that I could become someone worthy to have Kyungsoo in my life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But I wasn’t that lucky. I’d been reminded of that fact far too many times to ignore it. I was the scum of the universe, and no matter how rich or powerful I got, I could never fix myself. I was a sex addict, craving that release because of what had happened to me and everyone should be disgusted. Maybe even Chanyeol, but he was far too decent a friend to actually show that feeling of disgust to me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I grabbed the wine bottle and settled down on the small veranda off my bedroom. At least I could see the Eiffel Tower from here. The night was alive, distant noises of traffic and happiness mocked me. I drank, consoling myself that this was okay. I was meant to be alone. I was meant to be feared and ignored. So what if I can’t have Kyungsoo to release my urges, I could have a new secretary, a sexier one. My body won’t feel any difference, after all, I was just satisfying an addiction. Getting a fix. Who I get it from, it shouldn’t matter.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>Taeyeon had a list of candidates prepared when I walked into the office next Monday. She placed them on my table and then hovered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What is it?”  I asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I asked them what they felt about clause 27 and 28, just as you asked,” she started, then sighed. “Some were uneasy but there were a few who seemed overly excited. I have a feeling that they only applied to the job because of you and your wealth. Are you sure this is safe, sir?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I looked down at the list, reading briefly though the details. “I don’t really care. It doesn’t matter to me. Just as long as they are willing and talented enough to handle the tasks. ”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What if…” she stopped, her eyes settling on me seriously. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was one of my few close friends who knew about my past. She was just worried that I might fall in a trap, that I might end up with some maniac for a secretary.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will be fine, Taeyeon. I am not a child anymore. Don’t worry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She still looked worried. “Can’t we fix the contract a bit and ask him to come back again?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I knew who she meant.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He doesn’t want to anymore” I said shortly, still looking at the list but I was no longer reading it. “Why force him?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, you seemed better with him.” She paused. “Happier. More in control of your needs and it just seemed like you were becoming normal again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I finally looked at her. “He doesn’t want to anymore. And I won’t force him. I have taken too much already.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She sighed. “Just be safe. Please.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the end, I chose the candidate who seemed somewhat sensible than anyone else on the list, and called him for an interview that same day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was absolutely gorgeous, yet I couldn’t help but compare him to Kyungsoo. His lips were thinner, eyebrows sharper, jaw line shaped like a knife. His hair was slightly curled and his fashion sense was impeccable. But I missed Kyungsoo’s soft, plump lips and his crooked eyebrows and round eyes and cute features. I missed his disheveled sense of dressing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mr. Sehun,” I said as we finalized the contract. “If you have any problems with my requirements, say so now. I would hate to find out after years that you didn’t really want to do it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t mind,” he shrugged. “My previous employer was an old lady, and she did worse to me. Compared to her your terms seem almost tame.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was also scarred. I recognized that blank and cold look in his eyes, it was a look I also wore when I looked in the mirror. “You’re okay, right? I mean, mentally…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I went into therapy,” he said. “They said I was not fixable anymore.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Just like me. And that’s how I knew. I couldn’t do it to him, not after he’s been through so much pain before. “I don’t… I think we should cross out clause 27 and 28 from your contract then. Do you have any problems?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Will I still have the job?” When I nodded, he tilted his head. “Thank you. I don’t care either way. You want me, just say it. You don’t, I’m fine with that. I never know when to say yes or no anyways.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What we need is someone to fix us,” I mumbled. He raised a sharp eyebrow. “Fix us both. A relationship.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you proposing to me?” he asked, slightly shocked. “That was fast.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I am just saying it generally,” I smiled. He was going to be very fun indeed. “Besides, I can’t do it with anyone. Not when…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When your heart is with someone else?” Sehun nodded, understanding dawning on his face. “That’s what you mean, huh. Someone to fix us. Maybe, if I stay here and worked for you, I will also find that kind of someone.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hope you do.”</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>He started work the next day. To all others, he was my new secretary. But when we were in the confines of the office, I played with him. Sometimes monopoly, sometimes chess and through it all, we shared our stories. The worst of them and the best of them. In a few days, I knew all about him and he knew all about me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I even opened up about what happened with Kyungsoo, and he seemed sad. “I hope you can be happy. I hope he will see you have sincere feelings for him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Except, Kyungsoo was the only one in the whole staff who knew </span>
  <em>
    <span>why</span>
  </em>
  <span> I was locked up in my office with my new secretary each day. He didn’t know that we weren’t fucking, but he would think it. It was obvious when he tried to block the janitor from walking into the office, just as Taeyeon had covered for us a few weeks ago.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let him think that,” Sehun advised. “Maybe jealousy will invoke his feelings for you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t know him like I do,” I said, surprised by how true it was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sure, I never discussed mundane things with Kyungsoo like this, but still, I knew more about him than anyone in the whole office. I knew his favorite color and what kind of foods he liked, his dislike for noise and that he took dark coffee with one sugar. I knew that he loved soft RnB songs, and that he had a habit of keeping a book in his bag and reading it when he got bored. He loved making strange drawings on his notepad, sometimes he also drew them in the margins of the files that I asked him to review. He always remained neat and organized, and he never liked to change the routine. If something went wrong, he was always the first one to know what to do.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He doesn’t have one evil bone in his body. He will simply accept his fate and continue to work for me. Honest and simple. He is too pure for me.” Except, I didn’t know how much I had already tainted him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is that so?” Sehun raised his eyebrow. Whenever he did that, I knew he was up to something. “Then why did he corner me in the copy room that day?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He what?” I sat up straighter. “What did he do?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing,” Sehun shrugged. “He just asked me if I had read the contract fully and if I was okay with everything. I told him I was okay. And then he said something strange.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Strange? What?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I couldn’t picture Kyungsoo cornering anyone. He had shown his anger to me, that day in the cinema but I never thought he would confront anyone like that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He said that he wanted me to take good care of you, that you deserved to be cared for. That you have been through many hardships and to not make you suffer any more.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Kyungsoo said that?</span>
  </em>
  <span> I couldn’t believe it. “What does it mean?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It means that despite what happened, he cares for you. Deep down, he may be in love with you but he feels overwhelmed with the differences between you two. The status, your positions, the work environment.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It also didn’t help that I had given him no reason to believe that I was interested in him more than just sex. He probably thought I only wanted him for his body, but I never showed that I had also started depending on him, to need his company, to know his opinion, to have him close, to make him happy and comfortable.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Foolishly, I began to hope again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think you should tell him that we have nothing going on between us,” Sehun said finally. “Maybe if he knows that, he would try to question why and you could tell him that you wanted him and nobody else.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t tell him. I am too scared to be rejected.” His eyebrows rose again and I warned him, “No, you are not going to tell him anything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sehun got up and walked to the door. “I won’t tell him. Don’t worry.”</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>I realized what he meant a few days later. I was having the usual round of checkers with Sehun when Kyungsoo came into the office. He was carrying a mountain of files.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sir, I heard you wanted me to bring you the-” he stopped short. His eyes going from me sitting on the carpet crossed legged, to the checkerboard between me and Sehun, who was almost lying on the floor and thinking about his next move.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sehun didn’t tell him anything, but instead, he had decided to show Kyungsoo what actually went on when I was closed up in the office. What’s more, he had left the door open on purpose so Kyungsoo would walk in, not knowing anything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes?” I asked, slightly amused by the utter confusion on his face. “What was it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought you two-” He stopped again. Instead he put the files on my desk and said, “You wanted to see the annual revenue files, and I brought them. Um, if that’s all, I should go.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t ask for any files,” I said, then turned to Sehun who was deliberately avoiding my eyes. “Did you want to see them?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” he said, his voice weird, as if he was trying not to laugh. “I just needed to check something. Oh, I killed your piece. I win this round.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I looked at the checkerboard and sighed. Yep, he won alright. I turned to Kyungsoo and said, “No, that will be all. The next time he asks for any files, you should just put them on his desk outside. I’ll see you and your team in the meeting later.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” he said, gave me a short bow and left.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I grabbed the board and slammed it on Sehun’s head. “What the hell were you thinking? Now he knows that- Shit.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sehun giggled. “Yes, and it’s going to drive him nuts. He will eventually corner you now and that’s when you can come clean about your feelings. See? Everyone goes home happy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I shook my head. “You know, Sehun. I wish I had employed you as my friend instead of a secretary, because honestly you are pretty bad at it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No worries. I’m good at being a friend, aren’t I? Besides, once you finally confess to him, you can make him your secretary again and I will quit and be your friend full time instead.”</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>He didn’t confront me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In fact, Kyungsoo didn’t speak of it all. He was just the same as always. And I was trying to cope with my increasing needs by my own self, trusting my right hand, or some toys, to comfort me whenever it got out of control. Sehun offered to help a few times, but I remained true to my promise and never bothered him with it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You have to tell him,” he pushed each time he saw me sweat and out of breath. “You can’t keep ignoring him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I would ignore him. I would overcome my weakness. I would heal myself. And then, once I was normal, I would go and ask Kyungsoo to be my boyfriend. He deserved someone normal, not an addicted mess like me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please, Boss. You are at your limit.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I wasn’t going to succumb to my needs. I was going to fight it. If I can survive after the drugs, I could survive this problem, too. It might take me a while, but I would do it. Kyungsoo deserved it, because I couldn’t ignore it anymore. Along the way, somehow, I allowed myself to feel again. And what I felt for him, it was real. Something I didn’t know I could feel.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Except I exploded one day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>We were out to get some drinks and somehow Kyungsoo was a little relaxed by the time we all decided to hit the karaoke. I kept my distance, being the boss, as well as the fact that Kyungsoo got all smiley when he warmed up to the company.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Through the whole thing, there was a soft, enigmatic smile on his face. He watched as each employee made a fool of themselves trying to hit the right notes. And then Jongdae was on the mic and Kyungsoo's eyes got wide and round. It was no secret that he was the best when it came to singing, but this was the first time Kyungsoo was here. He probably didn't know Jongdae could sing that well. Afterwards, he high-fived Jongdae, a huge grin on his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And now, the head of management will sing for us," Sehun announced on the mike. And when everyone started clapping and cheering, he said loudly, "Come on, Kyungsoo-ssi. Show us what you got!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He got up, flustered and red in the face. But then he nodded, and said, "I'll try. I apologize in advance if it's not good."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, I doubt that!" Jongdae cheered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I tried not to stare as he selected a song. The music started trickling, soft and magical and everyone sat silently, excited to hear him sing. Then he opened his mouth and I forgot where I was, what I was doing.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>At the start of the day</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m full of you</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>When I was alone,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I would uselessly become restless</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>My mind feels a little hazy</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>When I hear your warm voice</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Baby I’m falling for you</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>His voice was like melting chocolate, a soft brush of feather against my skin. He was nervous but the silence around us was enough to show that nobody had expected him to be so good. I heard someone sigh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As he started the chorus, his eyes briefly flicked up to me.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I love you our love is true</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hug me</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>As time goes by</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I love you our love is true</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"Hug me,"</span>
  </em>
  <span> he sang and our eyes met, lingering as he sang the next line. </span>
  <em>
    <span>"Don't let go of me."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>My breath hitched. A fire went down my spine and I couldn't hold myself in control. Arousal like this was usual, but I'd never felt so thirsty before.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>My whole body started trembling and my shirt got soaked through with sweat. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What was wrong with me? </span>
  </em>
  <span>It almost felt like the drug withdrawal. Something hurt in my chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course, Kyungsoo noticed first and stopped singing. And then everyone was on their feet, moving towards me, handing me water, grabbing tissue to wipe my sweaty face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I flinched. Each touch increased the tension in my nerves and I jerked away from everyone. It was a panic attack, arousal and heartbreak all tied up in one giant shitstorm inside my body.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sehun grabbed my arm and dragged me away, shouting, "Don't follow us. And don't call the ambulance. I know how to handle this!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He somehow managed to find an empty alcove outside in the hallway and helped me sit down on the floor. "What do you want? Tell me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was reaching for my zipper, trying to grab my aching cock. I shoved his hand away. No matter how far gone I was, I couldn't break my promise to him. He shouldn't have to take care of me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I'm such a freak. Now everyone else is going to know something wasn't right with me. "I just... I need to be alone... I can't... Water. Get me water."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He ran out and was back with a bottle in moments. I drank it whole, my trembling hands spilling some down my front. It helped with the sweating a little, but I was still rock hard and my body felt like it was on some kind of sex drug. Even the brush of my clothes on my skin made me moan. I was hypersensitive, and each nerve wanted only one person.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Why did he sing? Why did he look at me with those eyes, singing those words? </span>
  </em>
  <span>It's like he was trying to destroy whatever held me together all this time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I can help. Please. Maybe I can use my hands..." Sehun was nearly in tears. He knew what it felt like to be needy this way. "I don't mind. You're my friend."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I shook my head. "I just need to be away... from him. I'll be fine."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sehun got up, his face furious. "You know what. I'm done with this. You can't hide yourself from him forever." And then he walked out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn't get far. I assume Kyungsoo had gotten out after us, and was giving us distance. He probably guessed what my condition was, though, I had never lost control like this before. Then again, I was living a sexless life for a month now, and as an addict, it was a miracle I'd survived this long.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"He needs you," Sehun told Kyungsoo. "I can do it for him, but we both know that's not going to help."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I closed my eyes, my head falling backwards. I was holding myself back. I wanted to run out of this corner, grab Kyungsoo and...</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I inhaled... and his smell was all around me. My eyes snapped open only to see Kyungsoo kneeling inches away from me, his eyes big and concerned.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sir, are you okay?" He looked at me. Really looked. And he knew why I was at my limit. "How long have you been ignoring having sex?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What do you think?" Sehun said from behind him. "He hasn't touched anyone else since he fired you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kyungsoo made a sound in his throat. "Why...? Never mind. What should I do? Tell me..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He reached for my pants, and I grabbed his wrist, pulling him closer, inhaling him deeply. "You can't... you can't give me what I need..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Given the situation and your condition, I think I can try." His eyes held mine, not wavering. I knew I could ask for anything, and he wouldn't say no. His eyes were firm and I moaned at that fierce expression.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I want you to kiss me," I whispered, pulling him closer still. I could feel his breath on my face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He blinked. I thought he would refuse. But then his lips were on mine.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I admit, I had imagined what it would feel like many times. I expected it to be soft, gentle and meaningful. But that's not how it actually happened. The desire in me burst forth, and I kissed him like an animal. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His teeth against mine, our jaw bones connecting with enough force to bruise. I shoved my tongue as far as I physically could down his throat, just tasting him to the soul. His moan vibrated between us, and I came in my pants. Just like that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But I didn't let go. I pulled him closer, and he was straddling me, his chest pressed into my sweaty shirt, his hand bunched in my hair. He kissed me with the same abandon as I kissed him, almost like he had wanted it with the same fervour as mine.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I didn't want it to end. I wanted to die like this, with him on top of me, and his tongue in my mouth, rubbing against my own.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pulled away first, our lips smacking obscenely and I became aware of the audience. Our company workers had followed us out, probably trying to see what was wrong with me, and Sehun standing guard over us, failing to hide the complete view.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then Jongdae said, "I knew it! I knew you were dating! Pay up everyone!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before they could bombard us with questions, Sehun herded them away from us, pushing them out to go home.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I couldn't look at Kyungsoo. My body was back to normal and I could feel the wetness in my pants. Yet I trembled with the awareness that he was still on me, watching my face as I tried to find a hole to die in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Do you want more?" he asked, his voice flat and dangerous.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When I finally dared to look at him, I gasped. He was so fucking beautiful. His perfect lips were red, shining with my spit. But it was his enigmatic gaze that knocked the breath out of me. There was a challenge there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I do." I wanted so, </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> much more. He had no idea.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You can't have it," he said. "Not like this."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Then what-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He cut me off. "Ask me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I just looked at him. How was it possible that he was so close to me, yet I could still feel the dull ache inside my heart? "Ask you what?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His face told me that he wouldn't tolerate bullshit. "Ask me now."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I didn't feel the tear that rolled down my cheek. But I felt his whole being trembling, waiting for me to say it. Finally. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Will you be my boyfriend?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He closed his eyes, exhaling. His jaw set, and his throat bobbed. I felt that tear now, this time, it came out of his eye. "Yes."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yes? </span>
  <em>
    <span>As in...</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"I will be your boyfriend."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I couldn't believe it. Maybe I was dead and this was purgatory, torturing me with this sweet vision. "I thought you hated me. I thought you didn't want to-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"At first, I </span>
  <em>
    <span>did,"</span>
  </em>
  <span> he said, putting his forehead against mine. "That's what I was trying to tell you that day in the conference room. I didn't like it, but then I got to know you. I knew who you were. Kind, generous, patient and an amazing person. I didn't even realize when I fell for you but I also couldn't find the courage to tell you... You were always so distant... I thought that I never stood a chance."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And I thought I never stood a chance either. "We're both fools, aren't we?" I kissed him again, and this kiss was exactly how I imagined. Soft, tender like a petal. "I fell for you too, I didn't even know when. But when you told me about the contract I realized how unworthy I was..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're not unworthy. You're amazing, don't you know? After everything you have suffered, you managed to survive." He smiled brilliantly. "How could I not fall for you? It's impossible to ignore you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I was aware of my state, and of the people who might see if they came out in the hallway. "Kyungsoo, take me home." I didn't say whose home. He could have taken me anywhere and I wouldn't care. After all, he was my home now.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>The drive to his new apartment was quite short. He didn't look away from the road, but he also didn't let go of my hand even as he drove. I couldn't stop admiring him. This time I could do it without fear, and I knew he knew that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Why do you like me?" he asked suddenly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Because you are everything I want to be. You have sense, a firmness in character. You also love tackling problems head on. Even though you're so young. I wish I could have your perseverance."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He smirked. "So you like me for my brain?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And your stupid face," I muttered. "I can read it so perfectly, even when you don't want to show any emotion. Sometimes it's hard not to know exactly what your thoughts are. And then there are times when your face takes a completely different form."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked at me this time. "You like me because I'm two faced?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No," I said, pulling his hand to my mouth, kissing his wrist, then his palm. "Because no matter what you think or what expression you make, you make me want to unravel it. I've never met a person who could make me think this way. You make me question myself, question the reality of life. You make me a better person."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So you like me because-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Because you're the part of me I never knew I was missing," I said. This was strange to admit. I never told anyone about my true feelings, but telling him was the only way I could show my sincerity. "Ever since I... when that thing happened to me, I have been fighting against the world, thinking myself above everyone. And then you came into my life and I became the kind, generous and patient person who you think I am. You made me into that person, each of your little actions or emotions, they turned me into a better man."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He swallowed hard. "Jeez. I didn't even know... all this time we could have been together..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It doesn't matter. Past is gone. You are here now. That's enough for me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His apartment was bare, and he still hadn't bothered with pictures or colors. I was aware of my stinking clothes, now that the sweat had dried and also scared of what might happen next.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Having sex when I was in the position of control was one thing but now that we'd become something more, I knew I'd have to surrender some of my control over to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was just as nervous. None of us knew how an actual, nontoxic relationship worked. We were just starting and there were a million ways we could hurt each other. I could hurt him. My ex-boyfriend had broken me in such a way that I didn't know what was wrong anymore. Then again, I'd already done worst by being the kind of boss who used his secretary for sex. I had already hurt him. I was certainly capable of doing it again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He took me to the bedroom and I smiled at the wide window and the night view beyond. It was such a change from his previous living conditions and I liked the idea that he finally had enough light around, enough room to breathe in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He gestured towards another door and said, "The shower is that way. I'll leave you a change of clothes here. Do you want to eat something?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I winced. I was still tipsy, but unlike before, my body was unusually calm. It felt like it was finally at peace, knowing that this person now belonged with me. There was no need to rush things, no more waiting for twenty four hours to see him behind closed doors again. He was mine, and I'd never felt more at peace with myself or with the unruly needs of my body.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Would you join me?" I asked. I didn't know what I'd do if he said yes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shivered and then shook his head. "I don't want to jump into this thing blind. We may know each other's bodies, but... I want to know more. Does that make sense?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I nodded. He was also feeling that sense of peace, like we finally had all the time in the world to learn about each other anew. "I want to do this right as well. I want this to be real."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He gave me a soft smile, coming closer. With every step he took I had to tell myself not to faint, forcing my heart to calm down. I could feel the rush, the need as he wound his arms around my shoulders and pulled me in a soft, whisper of a kiss.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I want that too," he mumbled against my mouth, making me gasp. "But let's take it slow."</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Slow.</span>
  </em>
  <span> I wanted to cry. Just seconds ago I was congratulating myself on my peace of mind and control and now all I wanted to do was ravage him. "You're not making it any easier," I warned him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stepped back, a sheepish smile lingering on his face. I could get used to his smiles. His happy, sparkling eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sorry. I just. You've been forbidden to me until now, and it’s a little hard to contain myself."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah. I am painfully familiar with that feeling," I rolled my eyes. Keeping my gaze on him I yanked off my coat, tie and ripped open the shirt. This was new for us. Showing him myself like this. His face went red, even as he swallowed the sight of me. "I'm drunk. Can you make something to help me sober up?" I asked casually, shrugging off my shirt and letting it fall as I turned to the bathroom door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He made a small sound, then ran out of the room saying, "Yeah, I m-might have s-something."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I giggled. So, he was cute too. I felt full, my chest feeling heavy as if something large was growing inside of me. It made me want to laugh and cry at the same time. I didn't know what it was. If it was love. Or something more. I just knew that I wanted to feel this forever.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Somehow things ended up with me and Kyungsoo in bed, wrapped into each other's embrace, kissing until we couldn't anymore. It was peaceful and even more fulfilling than anything I've ever tried with him before, which was weird. Just having him close, I was happy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I woke up like this, with no memory of exactly when I fell asleep. I'd stared at his sleeping face for the longest time, before sleep took me too. It didn't even occur to me that it was Sunday and we didn't have work, but I automatically got out of bed and frantically looked for my clothes. Then my eyes fell on the clock. It was too late already. Noon? When was the last time I slept so soundly?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sighing, I dropped on the bed again, watching Kyungsoo breathe evenly. Is this a dream? I still wasn't sure. So I decided whether it was real or dream, I was going to make full use of these stolen moments.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A few minutes later, I was in the kitchen, half buried in flour trying to make pancakes. I knew I'd forgotten a vital ingredient, and that's why there was an utter, sticky mess in the pan. A goo that didn't look savory at all stared back at me, before I smelled it burning. I hurriedly scraped it off of the pan and threw it in the waste bin, making a face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Usually my meals were made by the maid I'd hired, an old lady who I paid handsomely. She cooked well, and made sure to leave enough reheat-able meals in my fridge to make things easier for me. All I had to do was pop it in the microwave oven and then wait for a few minutes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But I'd been so sure that I could attempt making pancakes. At least the recipe I'd searched up looked easy enough. I'd followed all the steps perfectly... then why?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Behind me, a sound interrupted me from the kitchen island, almost like someone was stifling a loud yawn. It was Kyungsoo, his hair a mess, rumpled in all directions. His night clothes were wrinkled from sleeping, and also because I'd been extremely handsy with him last night. His face had the soft swollen look of someone who'd just woken up from a long sleep, but could go for a few more hours of sleep yet again. He wasn't wearing his glasses, which explained his scrunched up eyes as he took in the scene.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I thought I smelled something burning," he mumbled, rubbing one of his eyes. "Are you destroying my kitchen?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>My only answer was to drop the pan and spatula in the sink and shuffle towards him, pulling him in an urgent hug. It was still unbelievable that I was allowed to do this now. Chanyeol had been right. Rules sucked. Relationships, when done right, with mutual feelings of respect and need, felt better than anything else in the world.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Burying my nose in his neck, taking in his musky scent, I sighed. "I wanted to make you something. But I don't know what went wrong."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Boss have..." Kyungsoo began, then caught himself. He wasn't used to this shift in our dynamics any more than I was. Pulling back he gave me a sheepish, sleepy smile. "I mean B-Baekhyun. Have you ever even boiled an egg?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The answer was obvious so I didn't say anything. It made him smile wider, shaking his head. "Well, don't worry about it. I happen to know what sort of breakfast you like. Let me make it for you today."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I could only nod, embarrassed. I'd been trying to impress him a little, but he snatched the moment and impressed me instead. “How do you even know that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Those times when you overworked and slept in the office, the next morning, who did you think Taeyeon sent to order all sorts of breakfast items from the café?” he hedged, raising an eyebrow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was being so cheeky, subtly and smoothly. I loved it. I loved this unrestrained version of him, as if he was no longer scared to hide anything from me. “What else you haven’t told me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His cheeks went a little pink. “Um, what do you want to know specifically?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You said you hated me at first, understandably… but when did you change your mind?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He smiled again (I started counting each smile in my head), and busied himself in the kitchen, and I settled on the island, watching him work. At the office I didn’t have this luxury, even though I can see him at his desk when I move for the rounds but it wasn't the same as now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Do you remember that time when we had a meeting in Incheon, and I was driving you but we got into a traffic jam?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I screwed up my eyes and suddenly remembered what he meant, my mouth popping open. "That...? Oh my god, Kyungsoo. You started liking me then? But I was so... I was beyond rude. And after that I also..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I shook my head, astounded. There wasn't anything good about that day, and I couldn't figure out what made him start liking me. In fact, that was the first time I broke a rule of my own making.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was hot as hell and we waited in a slow crawling car as the Aircon spit miserable gusts of air. I had to sit up forward, wedging myself between the two front seats, as I always sat in the back, just to catch the air on my face clearly. I also took advantage of that position to study my secretary's face in profile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sat stiffly in the driver's seat, back straight, eyes front. He was the picture of professionalism and duty. It was only a year after our contract and before I even started wanting him more than normal. I found myself thinking, I really had scored a good secretary. I'd gotten lucky to have someone attractive and intelligent. Both to satisfy my needs and to take good care of the business.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Have you called them?" I asked, trying not to stare too much as a drop of sweat rolled down Kyungsoo's temple down his jaw.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I have. They are willing to postpone the meeting for a while but, this traffic doesn't seem to be letting up. What should we do, sir?" Kyungsoo replied, his eyes focused on the road.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Let's cancel. I don't know if I can focus after this annoying traffic jam. Let's reschedule, and get back to the office."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Because suddenly I wanted him. After all, in the hurry to get to the meeting, I'd never had the chance to have my fill of him yet. I was planning on doing him after the meeting but now...</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He simply nodded and called the other company that it just wasn't happening. Once he got off the call, the traffic started moving a bit faster. In another ten minutes, we were out of the jam and going smoothly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Shall I call back?" asked Kyungsoo.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before I could answer, a motorcycle came out of the link road, and crashed headfirst into the car. The cyclist had a helmet on, thankfully, but as soon as he got up, he started yelling at Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo had stopped at once, called the ambulance with one hand and then ran to help the cyclist. Instead, he was punched. The motorcyclist yelled and swung at him, catching Kyungsoo in the face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kyungsoo's phone flew from his hand, which was pressed to his other cheek, calling the operator. He was so shocked at the punch that he didn't even know what to say.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As for me, I didn't know what came over. I stepped out of the car, and before the cyclist could do anything anymore, I grabbed his neck. I didn't even notice his scraped knees and the blood. I didn't even care he was in shock too. Just the fact that he'd tried hurting my secretary made me angry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You son of a bitch," I growled, my grip tightening. "He's trying to save you and you have the audacity to punch him? Maybe we should have run you over."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sir!" Kyungsoo screamed, raising his voice in front of me for the first time ever. "Sir, he's injured, let go of him. The ambulance is coming. Let's just... stop this."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A few minutes later the ambulance came and Kyungsoo somehow managed to get the man to calm down. The man even apologized for punching and admitted that he hadn't checked before making a hasty turn from the link road. No charges were pressed. I watched from the sidelines, amazed at how well Kyungsoo worked even in this situation. I got lucky, indeed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And that need in me flared again. I haven't fucked him today. I needed to fuck him soon. And watching him handle the situation like this, I wanted it even more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sir, it's all under control. Let's go back," he said, coming up to me once the ambulance left and the small crowd around us dispersed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That's when I noticed his cut lips, and the trail of blood. His cheek and upper lip was slightly purple with bruising already. That had been a hard punch.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Wait," I said, and reached out to almost touch his face. He froze, his eyes widening. "You have a cut. This needs to be treated."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I didn't touch him, but my fingers hovered over his skin. I could feel the static between us, as I traced the bruise in the air, concerned that maybe I'd jinxed it. A few moments ago I'd been praising his face and attraction but now he was beat up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sir?" he said when it felt like I didn't want to stop air tracing. "I... I'm fine."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No, you're not. Sit in the car, I'll drive."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And that's what I did. I drove. I took him straight to the clinic and had him treated. Then I drove him to the office. And even though I wanted to fuck him, I restrained myself that day, and chose to suffer instead. Kyungsoo got punched. I didn't feel like shoving his bruised face to my tabletop and fuck him, hurting him more in result.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I could wait until tomorrow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now, as he smiled at me in the kitchen, he said, "You held back. You seemed concerned for my well being. That was the first time I saw you being considerate. The first time you didn't fuck me as a daily thing. I realized maybe, you had a heart after all."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I can't believe it. I was barely holding back. I wanted to do you right then in the car!" I sighed, unable to understand how much of a bad image I must have in his mind if that one act of restraint had felt like consideration to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"But you didn't. That's what matters." He flipped the bacon on the pan, and the smell made my stomach stir. "After that first hint, it was easy to see you being nice. It was small moments really, small actions that made me believe you were a good enough person. That maybe your need to have sex wasn't on a whim but something else that I didn't understand. Turns out it was."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I couldn't take it anymore. He was laying it all bare and I had to erase the last barriers that still exist between us. But it needed to be an act of surrender and trust on my part.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was easy enough to claim I had fallen for him, but once it came to it, would I be able to give up the control that I'd developed over my own needs for all these years?</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>Three weeks passed already.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I feel like a changed man. As if I had no care in the world. Like all this time I'd been looking over my shoulder, waiting for an assault that never came, but now, I finally didn't care anymore. Let it come. I felt stronger now, ready to face anything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The news had already swept through the office, and somehow Jongdae had become insufferable. His annoying voice letting slip poorly hidden innuendos and his cheeky grin whenever he saw Kyungsoo and I arrive together, and leave together, was getting on my nerves.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I wouldn't call my relationship with my employees friendship, but I'd never force them into being anything other than themselves. I indulged in their company occasionally, and allowed jokes and banter. But that was the limit. I wasn't used to people discussing my personal life as a pastime. Apparently, it is something that happened when people were dating.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Unless another couple grabs your spotlight," Chanyeol assured me, "you two will be the topic of all the gossip. I don't blame anyone, after all, this is a miracle!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I downed my drink, feeling it burn my throat. This was the first time since I started dating Kyungsoo that I'd come back to Chanyeol's bar again. But every moment felt heavier, a waste, if I wasn't spending it with Kyungsoo.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Have the two of you done it yet?" Chanyeol asked, probably reading my thoughts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I shook my head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Why not? Are you still experiencing panic attacks?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's not that," I mumbled. "Before, I'd been fucking him under contract, doing it quickly in the office, not facing each other. This time would be intimate and I'm scared that... he might see me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chanyeol sighed, rubbing a hand down my back. In all the years after what happened, his casual touches were the only one I could tolerate. Until Kyungsoo, whose touch felt like fire, burning me and yet giving me life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That's kind of the point, dude. He needs to see you. All of you. Only then he'd understand the depth of what you've endured, and what you've accomplished. He needs to see you're a diamond, polished and perfect, but only after the rough handling you took like a man."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I grimace. Chanyeol got extremely metaphorical when drunk. "It's not that easy. I'm trying."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well... when are you bringing him to meet me? All these talks about the secretary and I still haven't met him. Scandalous."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Next time," I promised, not knowing if I'd keep it. "When I have shown him everything of myself."</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>Before we knew it, Kyungsoo and I had dated for three months. Life changed for me, and I found myself happier, smiling more than I used to. My work colleagues and employees had asked the reason several times, and I didn’t even hesitate announcing that “I’m dating Kyungsoo.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m happy for you,” Chanyeol said. “But how long are you gonna wait?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Baekhyun sighed. Even though we’d been dating for months, we yet to have sex as a couple. It was one thing to have sex on a contract, but now, we were taking time. We’d actively been kissing and touching each other. Hand-jobs and dry humping wasn’t a problem anymore. But we always stopped short of going all the way.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Each of us had something holding us back. For Kyungsoo, his memories of my dominance and bossy attitude were still causing problems. For me, well, I wasn’t used to a relationship and how things worked. My ex-boyfriend had instilled it in me, to order, to bark instructions and expect results.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So I turned to romantic movies. I still couldn’t figure out how the couple just decided to have sex. How did they know it was a mutual need? How can I forget that I had forced Kyungsoo just a few months ago, for three years. It had been non-consensual on Kyungsoo’s part. How can I make things different, better?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just ask him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I frowned. “How? And if he refused?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then shake things up. Do something completely different than what you used to do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And that got me thinking. What was it I haven’t done yet?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It came to me one weekend before Christmas. I was browsing the internet to find the perfect present for Kyungsoo when it hit me. And I realized that it was the only way. Not because I was horny and wanted sex, but because I knew both of us were ready for that leap of faith and take the relationship to the next level.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>Kyungsoo took me to his home, to meet his mother and siblings. The night was a whirlwind of emotions. Apparently, Kyngsoo has never brought a man home before, but after the initial shock, I was welcomed with open arms.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His mother, a gentle woman with big round eyes, became a bit emotional when she saw me. "He was always too hard working," she told me as I helped her with the dishes. "I guess now that I know he has someone next to him, I feel better."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I smiled softly. "Don't worry, I'll take good care of him. I promise."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She looked at me without the smile. Her eyes calculating. She must have seen the truth as she said, "Good enough. Lord knows he deserves to be happy."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She told me that she had lived a careless life as a young, single mother. That she did not particularly care for Kyungsoo and spent all the money that her late husband's business earned. A debt had fallen on them and by then she was too late to fix the situation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Kyungsoo got his job at the end," she sighed, smiling softly at me. "He started paying off the debt, and the only thing I did not regret was making sure he had a good education. If it wasn't for your company… We'd be on the streets. So I am already indebted to you, and now I'll have to trouble you to make him happy as well. Too embarrassing."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No, it's not. It's my honour."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The night ended with the movie which was a loud affair, what with Kyungsoo's little sister and brother gasping and screaming at everything, but I couldn't care less. This was the most important and ridiculous experience of my life, a family dinner filled with laughter and belly cramps and through the night I couldn't take my eyes off of him. It was Kyungsoo's smile more than anything which filled me with happiness like I'd never felt before. That absolute certainty that he's the only person I need erased all the fears and doubts I had. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>We slept over in Kyungsoo's old room, the small bed fit for a teenager and the things from his past, I stored it in my memory, touched his manga collection and action figures, his sketchbooks, and soccer trophies like they were holy artefacts. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I keep telling her to clear the room and give it to my sister, but she thinks I won't have a place to fall back to." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>We had somehow squeezed into the small bed, and I was fine with just holding him. I wasn't going to make out with him with his family across the hall but holding him was fine. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I can guess why. These things have you in them and if it was me, I'd also have a hard time getting rid of them," I told him, kissing his forehead. "I'm glad that I get to see something of your past. So I will give something to you. Of my past."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kyungsoo stilled, and even in the darkness I could see his wide eyes. He knew what I meant. "You don't have to… I'm fine with not knowing."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I want you to. It feels like I'll never be able to make a future with you if I kept fearing my past. Telling you, telling someone, might be the way to move on."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So I told him. My voice was a whisper but his breaths became short and harsh as he silently listened to me, crying softly into my shoulder. I told him about the high school where I met that guy, the guy who I thought was my Prince, my saviour. About the letters I wrote him. And his reply, and our first meeting on the rooftop. I told Kyungsoo about our secret meetings, the first kiss, the first time. The first time he gave me a drug to make me feel better.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As I spoke of the past, it became clear I was stupid and a moron. I was the only gay guy at the school and the fact that the most popular student was willing to date me, albiet secretively, was enough to bedazzle me to the truth. One pill became several. I began to smoke joints, inhaling powder. And then he gave me my first injection. It was like I had been lit up, every nerve ending sensitive to touch. I became convinced sex was better whenever I had the injection.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I told Kyungsoo about the clubs, the private rooms and the other guys. At first they only enjoyed watching me have sex with him. And then they began participating. I didn’t care as long as that man also joined in. But he started sending me to these places alone. I had my doubts and fears, and Chanyeol had begun to notice the strange things happening with me. I was failing at the school, my body was erratic and twitchy. I needed that injection and the sex like a person needed water.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop,” Kyungsoo whispered finally. “Stop, please. I don’t-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It didn’t last long,” I said, soothing Kyungsoo, cleaning his tears. “Chanyeol followed me one night, and called the cops on him. Last I heard, he’s still in jail. And I found out that I wasn’t the only gay kid he’d used, there were others. But I wasn’t the same anymore.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I needed that thing. That injection. But most of all, I needed to be held, to be caressed and fucked. The emptiness of being alone, of not feeling another’s touch while in rehab. It went to a point that I tried assualting nurses and the doctor responsible for me, begging them for sex. I even went for Chnayeol, my own friend, my brother. That was the eye-opener. Finding Chanyeol under me, his face scratched, his clothes torn off as I tried to-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I had to stop, and Kyungsoo pulled me closer, his tears soaking into my shirt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I realized I was sick then. I had been made sick. I was so bad, I even tried to rape my only friend. The friend who got me out of that hell. It was like a slap to my face. I woke up then, and I got through the rehab. I completed my education there, and got the degree when I got out.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everything had fallen in line after that. I got promoted, I got praised and then became the C.E.O when the board decided. But the urge would hit me every time, and I had no choice but to go looking for willing partners. To avoid falling back into that hell, I decided to be the one on top, to be in control.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So Chanyeol told you to draw up the contract,” Kyungsoo said when I trailed off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, we had to research and make sure we were within the rights. The only condition was that whoever joined us had to be willing. And I landed with you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kyungsoo frowned. “You mean, you didn’t have the contract with any other secretary before me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Taeyeon was my secretary, but once we drew up the contract, you were the only candidate I liked. Your resume was amazing, and so were you.” I sighed, holding him closer. "Everything about you was like a thunder strike. In fact, I was so shocked after your interview that I rejected you twice. And at the last moment decided to keep you. I guess it never occurred to me that for once in a long time, I was actually feeling lust on the basis of attraction, like a normal person, and not because I'm an addicted freak. But then that turned out badly too. I ended up becoming my ex. I used you up."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kyungsoo clamped a hand on my mouth. "I'm not going to tell you that you did not do anything wrong. It's true. I was unwilling that time. But then I got to know you. In fact, apart from the sex, staying by you was one of the reason I did not quit, even after I had cleared up my debts."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>My heart clenched. How can he be so big hearted? "I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. Do you understand what I mean?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes went wide, his lips parting as he understood what I was saying. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I want to be with you, Kyungsoo. I want a life with you. And now that I know what it could be like, now that I've had a taste of this happiness, I'm certain that you all this suffering and sorrow was just a passing test, because I was making my way to you." I pulled him closer still even though there was no space between us to spare. "I want to do this right. Properly. Like a man. Shit, I had it all planned out yet I didn't think… But at this moment, I want to be sure. A life with me, can you accept it? Even if I'm broken?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kyungsoo's only answer was to rush at me, our lips colliding in a familiar dance. "Yes. I want that. I want it so much."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>No words were necessary anymore and that night, sleeping a room away from his family, Kyungsoo and I decided our future.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>
    <span>"Your Christmas present is waiting" </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>I chuckled when I sent the text. Kyungsoo was just down the block, grabbing some groceries. Christmas was already over a week ago, but we had a great holiday together. Staying at his parents house, having colleagues and friends over. Time had passed quickly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Kyungsoo had not complained once about the lack of presents on my part. Sure we received a lot from others but my gift wasn't the kind that could be given wrapped in colours. I had to wait for the right time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I could tell he anticipated something strange as he got back home and greeted me with a kiss. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You didn't have to, you know. Being with you is enough for me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I could only laugh, tracing the lines of his face. "I didn't buy anything nor did I go any extra mile. Just know that this is the best I can offer you. For now."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A small frown appeared between his eyes and for once, his smile turned grim. "How about we have dinner first?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I knew he was stalling on purpose, probably because he needed time to think what it could possibly be. So I agreed and helped him with the groceries and we both began preparing dinner. I loved this part of our day, being close to him and watching him scold me whenever I did something wrong. I liked getting bossed around but when he smiled and shook his head, as if in disbelief of how little I knew about basic things in life, I loved it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once we were seated at the table and had eaten most of our food, he was asked, "So what's the gift?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I hadn't expected him to be so blunt. But then again, he did not like wasting time on speculations. "Have you made any guesses?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I have. But I can't seem to think of anything that could be better or precious enough you can get me which you already haven't given me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I swallowed back my tears. He truly was the best human being in existence and I was the lucky one to have him. I was being gifted every day and he didn't even know it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I want us to have sex tonight." His head jerked up at me, eyes wide. "And I want you to be on top."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a minute I couldn't find it in myself to look into his eyes, unable to face what he was thinking or if he would reject the idea. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Would you really like me to be?" Kyungsoo asked, taking my hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I nodded, feeling like I was somehow being judged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Then I'd love to. I missed it… "</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now I looked up and realized that I was making my condition into something terrifying, and yet kyungsoo was treating it as a part of me, of us and our life together. And hearing him say that he missed sex between us, despite the fact that I had been nothing but unruly towards him before, warmed my heart and melted my stiff muscles into relaxation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Then, I'll be in your care tonight, my Kyungsoo."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>My heart beat started to rise with each step we took to the bedroom, through the gentle motions of Kyungsoo sitting me down and taking my shoes off for me. My throat clogged up with gratefulness. This was not what I deserved. He was too good to me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As if he could hear my thoughts, he reached up to touch my cheek. "I'll be gentle. You deserve this. And more."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I don't know who moved first, but this kiss wasn't like the others. In the last two months that we've dated, we've kissed any chance we got, but it always came with the knowledge that they would stop. But now, the kiss came with the promise of more. My inevitable need rose up, despite the restraint I'd been practicing for the last few weeks snapped off, like chains falling off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I pulled him closer, crashing his body against mine. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He's mine now. He's mine,</span>
  </em>
  <span> I reminded myself, blissed out by the prospect. This was no longer a contract of a piece of paper, but a contract between our hearts. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I love you so much," I murmured against his lips, and felt him go still. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"This is the first time you've said it," Kyungsoo sighed, his eyes filling up. "I've waited so long to hear it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I said it again, and again, kissing as he took my shirt off and pushed me to the bed, falling on top of me. I groaned in appreciation as he attacked my neck, teasing and nipping as if he wanted to eat me whole. I loved this proactive and dominant side of him and the old need to be handled and owned reared its head inside me. For a second, I was scared. What if I liked it so much I regressed back to that addict again. What if I…? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Baekhyun," Kyungsoo said sharply, noticing my unsteady breaths. "You're safe. You're safe."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I nodded, hating my head for reminding me all the bad stuff when this was finally happening. "I know. I know you won't hurt me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Reassured, Kyungsoo finally made his slow, torturous way down my body, paying extra attention to my nipples, and a line of fire went down my spine. So good. It felt too good. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As his hands reached to unbuckle my belt, I inhaled sharply. I still remembered how I'd taken advantage of him like this in the cinema, but here, he was, being so gentle. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Again, he must have known what I was thinking as he looked up at me with a smirk. "I'm going to take my revenge now. You ready?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm beyond ready," I whispered, imagining it and then realizing that my imagination would never do justice to the real thing. Would I even last?? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His hands found my aching length first and he stroked me slowly, staring at it. "I can't believe you used to fit this monster inside of me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shit. Was he going to keep talking so dirty? </span>
  <em>
    <span>Shit.</span>
  </em>
  <span> "Well, you were tight. At first. But I made you take it easy enough, eventually."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kyungsoo chuckled. "I guess so. But I always wanted to do this."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Do what?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"This." And he took me whole, right down to the base. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Holy fuck where did you learn this!" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kyungsoo gave me a weird glance, sucking harder. Then let go with a pop. "I didn't. I just went for it," he sounded hoarse. "I'll not be attempting that again."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He went back to licking it slowly, trying to get me to scream, his hand stroking the base. I closed my eyes, trying to keep my head straight and the bad memories at bay. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Is this OK?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"More than okay. But if you don't hurry, I might make myself embarrassed."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Placing a wet trail of kisses along my inner thighs, Kyungsoo held out his hand for the lube. Thankfully I'd prepared ahead of time. He rubbed some on his fingers, warming it, and then with a glance of permission, circled my hole. I jerked, and then whimpered. It felt so good to be touched like this again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>If I could hold on and manage this just once then perhaps I could have a chance of a normal life with Kyungsoo, without the shadow of my condition hanging over us. I was still lost in the sensation of his finger circling me, his lips teasing my cock, that once he pushed a finger in I wasn't prepared. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>My cry was lost in the sensation of being invaded and Kyungsoo did not even realize that he'd lost me. The images rose up, suddenly and terribly. I was surrounded by strangers, looming above me, my limbs tied up with no place to escape. The drug had worn off and it hurt, felt unpleasant as they treated me like a dildo, slapping me when I cried for mercy. Just out of the corner of my eyes, I could see my ex with the injection that could make all of this so easy, so much more enjoyable. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Give it to me, please," I begged, my breath hitching with the need. "Please, I'll do anything…"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Baekhyun, no, it's me, it's me," Kyungsoo's voice penetrated through the haze and I saw him, looking down at me with concern, his fingers wiping tears from my cheeks. "You're safe with me, my love."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And I gave up, crying earnestly as he held me. Who was I kidding? As if I could ever have a chance to be normal again. It was hopeless. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm so sorry," I whispered. "I'm sorry I'm not whole."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kyungsoo pressed me to his heart, his voice trembling. "Don't ever apologize for anything. You didn't do anything wrong. In fact, you're so brave to even try this. I could never ask for anything better."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That made me cry harder. "How can you love me if we can't have sex without me breaking down every time?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well, you used to have sex with me just fine before, didn't you?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But… But… "But this was supposed to be my gift to you. I was supposed to give myself to you wholly. Now I've ruined it…"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kyungsoo smiled, his eyes wet with unshed tears. "Do you still trust me to be on top?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I nodded hard, of course I did. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Then leave it to me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I opened my mouth asking what he meant, when he took the lube and started fingering himself. My mouth went slack and the arousal that had escaped due to memory came rushing back, making me dizzy. Hearing him moan and work his own fingers inside himself while he hovered over me was unlike any sexy scenarios I'd ever imagined. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Unconsciously, I started stroking myself, harder than ever, watching him lose himself to self pleasure. My heart began beating like a drumroll, picking up pace as seconds passed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then his eyes went wide open and he pushed me back, straddling me. "I'm on top now. Are you ready still?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I gasped for words, but he sank down on me before I could find anything to say. Lord, this hot, tight feeling of being inside of him was the best. I can't believe I survived without it for so long. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Good?" he asked, breathing just as raggedly as me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So good."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kyungsoo leaned over and kissed me, soft and earnest. "That's great to hear. To be honest, I prefer being the bottom. So turns out, we can have normal things, after all."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I but my tongue, keeping myself from crying. Again. "Do you mean it?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes. I love you, Baekhyun. And I'm willing to give myself to you completely. As for you doing the same, we have time. We can get through this together."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I flipped us over, seized by the need to make love to him. "Even if it takes me years?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Even then."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What if I never got around it?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kyungsoo laughed, a beautiful sound right out of his belly, his eyes squeezed up cutely. "I really don't mind. But if you don't fuck me right now, I swear I'll-" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I don't let him finish, silencing him with a kiss and snapping my hips down, going deep inside of him. I planned on making love to him the whole night, and somehow, everything else didn't matter anymore. </span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <b>Three years later </b>
</p><p>
  <span>"So how are things?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I looked up at Sehun, putting down the tea cup. We had just finished the meeting and he had already seen through all the paperwork. This was our usual tea/soju-chat-time after hours as the rest of the office cleared up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Same. How's your health?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"My therapist thinks I need to start dating again. I keep telling her yeah, we should date but she keeps ignoring that."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"She's not interested, find someone else."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sehun gave me a finger. "She thinks she's not. But I know she likes me. Why won't she reject me outright if she doesn't have some kind of crush on me?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I shake my head, hiding my smile. I didn't know what would come of it, but just seeing Sehun act normally and talk about a relationship was enough to ease my mind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So have you heard the news?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I sighed. I had. In fact, I was the first person Chanyeol told. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>My ex had died in jail due to overdose. He was no longer in the world, and thus I had finally a chance to leave him behind in the past. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When I'd heard it, turning on the TV to see it played out on the news, I'd felt nothing. His face was no longer a thing of terror or something that could make me feel like a lowlife any more. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Good riddance," Kyungsoo has said, changing the channel and we'd binged watch our favourite anime instead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sehun took my silence with grace and changed the subject. "What are you doing for Kyungsoo's birthday this year?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now I smiled, standing up and picking up the coat to leave. "Oh, I have something great in mind." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sehun wiggled his eyebrows tauntingly and I hurried out, laughing. I knew Kyungsoo would be waiting for me in the lobby already, the car keys spinning on his fingers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He welcomed me with an arched brow. "Running slightly late."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I jogged up to grab him in a hug and then a kiss. And just like that I was forgiven. Kyungsoo led me to the car and asked, "What do you want for dinner tonight?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I pretended to think and said, "Hotpot and beer, and a blowjob from my gorgeous husband."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kyungsoo shook his head. "Could you be less embarrassing?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And from behind us, Jongdae sneered, "Could you please leave? I mean, ew."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Go home to your wife, Jongdae," I threw back over my shoulder. "You stink of jealousy."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jongdae gasped and then launched into a string of insults, knowing that he could do anything now that office hours had ended and not get fired. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But by then, Kyungsoo and I had already driven out, towards home. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>The End</b>
</p>
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